Letter

Just came back from a fire.

I'm still not satisfied with myself, but I'm picking it up.

How I wish I can turn back time and do it flawlessly.

I received a word of advice from one of my most respected mentor last night. I hope you won't misunderstand my intention. I think this is something for us all. It really is, something.

~


Hi Azmi,

That's absolutely fantastic to hear that!! Wow!! central fire station, and it's said a lot about your capabilities in being selected to handle such high profile station.

Yes, Azmi.. I still leading groups in OBS and overseas.. Age is catching up and I should think I will take a long long holiday soon.. Haha..

From your note of the letter, it seems you are brimming with pride yet at the same time laden with worries.. I usually live by the mantra, no point regretting the past; it's over & no benefit worrying about the future; I can't control that.. While there are hiccups along the way, but it has serves me well because it guided me in believing myself to deliver the best...

Such a steady stream of experience guys, I guess on your plate right now is not to so much of leading them (they know at the back of their hands on what to do) but rather using your heart to guide them as well as inspiring them.. I can't say I am very knowledgeable and it will be a 100% success but trying something with sincerity doesn't hurts..

Engage yourself with small talks with your men - listening to their fire fighting experiences, what motivates them to keep on persevering, what was their impactful moment (good and bad) and how they like you to come in to support. After you listen enough (well, might take more than a few sessions) at the same time, you have to minimally shows that you can handle your hardskills well..

It will be hard to manage with all the hoo-haas of an oldest and busiest fire station and you probably have to keep up with being mentally fir as well.. Evaluate after that it what way you think the fire station could benefit and discuss it with your "trusted" sidekicks (potential one of your longest serving men/ sergeant) as well as your drc. Once you are comfortable, involve them in asking how they think the fire station could benefit in trainings or personal development.. At this point, you do not have to share all what you have in mind. Take things one at a time..

From there, you should be able to realise their motivation, their development level and general attitude. You can choose either as formal platform or informal platform - but before doing so, do express what is it that you would like the session to come out to (a certain expectations)..

Remember, you don't have to do it alone - find a trusted, reliable crew to work with you on it. At the end of the day, they can benefit the process - cause once you leave the stations, they will pick up the skills to self develop themselves. Affirmed them when they do good, when there's boo-boos encourage them to share the incident. Just remember do not do it in a way you are asking the floor to judge him or say what's right or what's wrong.. Look after their pride, protect it yet nurture it at the same time..

Ultimately, time management and with lots of hardwork and sincerity, you can achieve at least a certain level. DO not pressure yourself too high though.. just take small steady steps!

Have a blessed day my friend!

~

It's a fence around wisdom

More often than not, they come to us in a form of a whisper.

But what will we hear if we're making the noise ourselves?

Just our own loud, unstable gears - turning away.

Silence is easily ignored by us today. Maybe in the past as well. It's its nature. But by looking at the place we're living in, it's going to be a growing challenge. Sad.

I always have a soft spot for silence.

It explains the reason why I'm not really into noisy meet-ups, parties or the busy street life. It's the reason why I'm such a nature-lover and genuinely envy fortunate people who call countrysides or quiet sub-urbs their home. A beautiful life.

It also explains why I have a great level of admiration and respect for silent individuals, who do good when no one's watching, and need no one to prove their worthiness and value. One who has a quiet heart, but a loud soul. One who surveys with empathy. One who seeks for silence, to get him closer to his God and religion. One who simply understands, what is unheard or unwritten.

It's a rarity.

And to further appreciate who they are and what they do, we have to be silent. I too, have to re-learn to be quiet again. There was a point in my life when I was basically controlling who I am, and who I aspire to be. I think I've been so absorbed with what's happening lately that I tend to treat myself like a biggie, a disorientated and deluded biggie. I'm all, in relation to nothing. To put it in the words of an emotional person - I lost my grip.

I'll blame none, but myself.

I'm sorry.

Fire Virginity

Got my first fire on the 10th of March at 4 in the morning.

Stretched my hand in front of me, and I couldn't see it at all. It was smoke logged. I've never pulled my breathing mask so tight before. It went well, thankfully. It was fortunate that the fire didn't spread to the storage of wines and whiskeys.

Told all the other appliances to return back to base after it was stable.
Stayed another 4 hours for fire investigation. (The investigation was more tiring, somehow)

I actually slept for merely an hour before the call but it was amazing how fatigue seems to disappear and all your engines start running at an instant. It was different compared to blasting 3 alarms beside my pillow to wake me up for school assignments.

But the most amazing thing for my 2nd duty was not the fire.

It was how I got to have a long talk with the people I'm in charge of. The sharing session has opened a new pair of eyes for me and hopefully, a new heart as well.

Yes, I'll remember my first fire.

But I'll definitely remember, for the first time in my life, the people who were already back at the station, waiting for me at the gate at 8 in the morning, smiling, some cheering and giving me their salute as my appliance returned back to base.

I don't think it was a sign of respect.

I feel it symbolized a pair of open arms.

I have an amazing group of people to learn from. Not just about rescue ops.

But everything else, as well.

Day and Night

There are no great men.

Only ordinary men, who have met extraordinary challenges.

Fear. Doubt. Uncertainty?

Tsk. Let's go.

Station 23, Rota 1

I felt like I was a part of the 20 men family.

Some of them looked familiar. I'm pretty sure I've seen them around the neighbourhood in civilian. Most of them are old timers and regulars at the age of 30-40+. Kind of a humbling experience when I saw a dozen of them reporting to work in bicycles. It's an honour to recognize this bunch of noble people being camouflaged by their plain average Joe attire.

Went for 2 enforcement checks at Loyang Industrial. Just amazing to see how they put their game-face on and became professional when interacting with the management and workers there. And after the job's done, they became themselves again, jovial and funny - as hell.

And oh man, the view of the sunset from the station is pulchritudinous-expelliarmusly gorgeous.

We had night lecture - an AAR of orchard flood incident. And I was invited up front to introduce myself. Haha all sorts of funny and some, meaningful questions were being thrown to me. Ah, and the standard green to blue question.

At night, I was kinda nervous to sleep coz I'm the kind of person that needs at least 2 alarm sets beside my ear to wake me up. And sometimes, I'll just ignore it, thinking that they're screaming voices in my dream. I was afraid the bed was too comfy, so I slept at the KC on the floor. :D Anyway, I woke up more than 8 times throughout the night, 3 due to ambulance calls.

At 5.30am, after drinking a milo can - which magically appeared beside me when I woke up (thank you) and after brushing my teeth. There was a fire call - a siren sound that makes us freeze (literally).

"Station 23, Station 23, turnout RT231, RT231."

It was my appliance. Grabbed my uniform and slide down the sliding pole (My course admin said we're banned from the sliding pole during attachment - But really.... xD) Went to the watch room for the call sheet, and I glanced through it - A father reported that his son was high on drugs and threatened to jump from a multi-storey carpark.

Ah, that adrenaline.

But fortunately (or rather unfortunately) the subject couldn't be found anywhere. After 30mins or so of searching and contacting the father, we received the order to return to base. Oh wells.

At 7am, stations around the country conduct drills and scenario exercises. But only unique for Tampines Station, on the saturday morning of every month, they conduct a fire fighting games competition. We're divided into 2 groups to compete against each other on the competency and dexterity of fire fighting and rescue. It was like a relay race, with different stages and stations. There were hydraulic spreader, hose handling, pitching up of ladder, climbing it to another floor, pulling up hoses via ropes, running down staircases with hoses, hose bowling, 20 CA suits pull ups in 2mins, and pin-point target life buoy rescue.

And throughout the race, I was laughing at their funny comments, cheers, jeers, poking fun and sarcasm, vocal mind games.. They're just too funny - but extremely proficient. And wooh my team won.

During the final baris at 8am, I was heavy hearted to leave Rota 1.
Shook hands, and said my final thank you's to them.

One of the enciks came to me and asked for my number.

"What for?"
"Soccer with us at SAFRA when you're free?"

Ah, it wasn't our last goodbye.
Too bad this HazMat station accepts only regular rc.

I'm genuinely thankful to be haaaaadddirr! at Station 23 Rota 1.

Now, 2 weeks of Final Ex. Just 2 weeks.

Just.. 2.. weeks..

Bed time

Beautiful sunsets.
They're in perfect view from my bunk bed, everyday.

Feels like a dream.

Speaking about that, I had a horrible dream last night.

But it ended abruptly with a girl appearing in front of me.

She offered help, but when I asked for her identity, I woke up.

It was.. an abstract feeling.

No, not lust, or even love, but I have a feeling it's admiration.

Hope there's someone out there who agrees that they're distinctively different.

Alright, goodnight.

I remember her necklace though.

Embrace It

It's the last stretch for me but I'll be brutally honest, I don't feel good at all. Fear, anxiety, insecurity, uncertainty, pfft. It's like pushing a kid into a pool and then reprimanding him for not knowing how to swim. Maybe it's true, these things can't really be taught.

Section commanders and men get excited sitting in a PL responding to an incident. Sad to say, officers don't. Everything's on them. We're guided to not screw up, instead of doing the right things.

The motivation's just wrong.

Oaks take deeper roots because of 'em, they say.
Without 'em, we'll never learn how to sail the ship.

But who produces the strength of the roots and sets the stability of the ship?

The storm?

No, no, never.

Whatever has to be done, it's always our choice

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, next.

Was surprised to see my blog's traffic unique hits. Nearly half the record when Geoff advertised. This time most of them came from Philippines and Hong Kong. Was kinda puzzled when the referring URLs and search keywords were mainly Connie Talbot. But finally, got to know that she just toured Manila and Hong Kong for concerts this week. Shucks. Why not Singapore. :/

1:37 
I'm sorry ;l

Not going to say much more, but it's going to be interesting watching this girl grow.

And oh what do we have here.

Book-in.

La Nuit

It's difficult to be surrounded with people who don't really understand.

You'll lose your true self if you're not careful.

Travel off, find peace, that's a legitimate dream.

But is that the ushering shadow of a coward?

Running away from your fear?

Or is it a form of logical thinking to achieve the best?

O night, bring to the earth the quiet charm of your mystery.

I think I'm still too young.

Slow down, cowboy

Too fast or too lazy. Which one is it? It's that period again.

Change, go.

I'm sorry. I think it's perfection.

Really think it is.

A remedy.

Remember, now?

Cloudy Afternoons

There's something magical about cloudy afternoons. A sense of comfort, shelter, security. Perhaps transition and change? Or is it the balance, making us feel comfortable being engulfed in its neutral state. The lighted midpoint of sunrise and sunset. The start and end seems to be more noticeable but nyeh, we really should look forward to the afternoons too. Y'know, especially the cloudy ones.

Don't want to be caught sleeptalking, so I've to get a few things out of my head before I sleep. Yea, things like the paragraph above. Unnecessary. Meaningless. Unproductive. Unrealistic. Unrelated. Well, maybe. I vaguely recall an advice - Stare at the night horizon of the sea, one day, if you're ready and permitted to, you'll see beyond it.

Patience.

An admiration of the untouched nature, the traditional farm life, the oldies and classics, the old environment - those are symptoms of my obsession of the past era. Maybe I've tasted its essence when it had no meaning to me back then when I couldn't talk, and somehow, my instincts are searching for it now. I guess it's subtly due to my craving for deja-vu's. Or I'm just jealous of the trade made between the past and present. Silly isn't it, going back in time when you're not even born yet.

Two hours. I'm the only one awake.

Enough of my deluded fantasy. A little more relevant now, hopefully.

I was told, selfless acts don't exist. The start of selflessness just leads to one being a selfish person. Things are being done to feel good. You walked a blind person across a street. You drop a piece of note into a donation box. You did a noble act without anyone watching or crediting you. You just want to feel good, they say.

Well, take the sacrifice of being called a selfish person if that's the definition. Then, may I ask. Will that be selflessness? Don't let your intent be a lie to yourself, especially to The One that hears the unspoken words.

Changing their mindset's not easy. It takes courage.
I don't have it. Maybe I can't think of the right way to do it.
Or maybe some of us are fated to be blinded in certain ways.

0200 hrs. I think I can finally sleep now. Commissioner's coming to vet us in the afternoon.

Yes, I should be sleeping now.

Imagination. Dreams. Live in them.

Timeless Trip

Many at times, we meet people who influence us to change. We mould into a different person when we experience life's intricacy. What happens when these things, impact us so, that we no longer recognize ourselves? It's even more unfortunate if we ride its wave unknowingly, only to realize we've drifted off course to the wrong island.

Everyone's given a compass. Some may have lost it, but it's an excuse to lose ourselves in this one time journey. Anything can be a form of guidance when you walk with an open mind. A fallen twig's shadow can show you the way in the morning. Navigate after the Big Dipper or the Polaris at night and you'll do fine. Life's hidden beauty is unlocked by a humble heart, a pristine will and nothing else.

Some seek for gold treasures at a far away island, while all the treasures that they need are sitting at their own backyard. Some see it, others don't. It's a unique set of treasure that can never be shared but can only be tasted alone. A treasure that can't be measured by weight or gold - words don't describe it, only experience do.

Find yourself, and solitude will unravel what you see. Take the time and courage to be alone. In today's world, we're so busy striving to meet expectations from our schools, companies, friends, and families, that we forget to set our own expectations. It's easy to be influenced to achieve successful dreams, but are those dreams genuinely ours? In solitude, we're not being selfish. In solitude, we're not walking away from others. In solitude, we form the greatest companionship, which is to ourselves. A genuine friendship that can never be judged or be defined by others. Timeless. Priceless.

I hope all of us get to find the motivation to taste the great things in life, seek meaning in whatever we do, and let obstacles define our strengths and potential. I hope we get to experience hardships in life as they're beneficial for us to grow and learn - just like a butterfly who's struggling to squeeze out from its cocoon. That agony of leaving through the tiny opening is actually a big help for itself. It needs that struggle, to flush the fluids and build strength into its wings to fly.

My Sabah trip was truly a meaningful one. A lesson of true leadership. A reminder that leadership starts from within, and in order to lead others, we have to lead ourselves.

So lead yourself, guiding light.

A Gold Paint

It was the search, not discovery.
It was adaptation, not the camouflage.
It was about understanding the essence, not the presence.

If pure gold's long gone, don't go sailing the seas for a gold paint.

We'll never achieve anything. I realized it now.
It's making me feel like the 90s again.

Call me crazy, I'll understand.

But I hope you'll understand me one day.

Here's a beautiful poetry.

Nostalgia by Billy Collins

Remember the 1340s? We were doing a dance called the Catapult.
You always wore brown, the color craze of the decade,
and I was draped in one of those capes that were popular,
the ones with unicorns and pomegranates in needlework.
Everyone would pause for beer and onions in the afternoon,
and at night we would play a game called “Find the Cow.”
Everything was hand-lettered then, not like today.

Where has the summer of 1572 gone? Brocade and sonnet
marathons were the rage. We used to dress up in the flags
of rival baronies and conquer one another in cold rooms of stone.
Out on the dance floor we were all doing the Struggle
while your sister practiced the Daphne all alone in her room.
We borrowed the jargon of farriers for our slang.
These days language seems transparent, a badly broken code.

The 1790s will never come again. Childhood was big.
People would take walks to the very tops of hills
and write down what they saw in their journals without speaking.
Our collars were high and our hats were extremely soft.
We would surprise each other with alphabets made of twigs.
It was a wonderful time to be alive, or even dead.

I am very fond of the period between 1815 and 1821.
Europe trembled while we sat still for our portraits.
And I would love to return to 1901 if only for a moment,
time enough to wind up a music box and do a few dance steps,
or shoot me back to 1922 or 1941, or at least let me
recapture the serenity of last month when we picked
berries and glided through afternoons in a canoe.

Even this morning would be an improvement over the present.
I was in the garden then, surrounded by the hum of bees
and the Latin names of flowers, watching the early light
flash off the slanted windows of the greenhouse
and silver the limbs on the rows of dark hemlocks.

As usual, I was thinking about the moments of the past,
letting my memory rush over them like water
rushing over the stones on the bottom of a stream.
I was even thinking a little about the future, that place
where people are doing a dance we cannot imagine,
a dance whose name we can only guess.

Blue flower, green thorns

I'm a jungle kid.

It's in my blood to sleep under a canopy, bathe my clothes in mud, have the plants and leaves on me as concealment, prone down flat on leaf litters with never before seen insects crawling under your nose, look beyond the dark horizon for silhouettes, being completely silent and still during movement, gazing up at the stars for inspiration, looking at the beauty of nature for motivation. I take pride in keeping my rifle clean, guarding it with my life, and making it an extension of who I am. Throw me in a jungle with my buddies, camaraderie will keep us alive.

But it will just be a memory now.

No more Bear Grylls for me, but I know who I can be next: Austin St. John.

On a different tone, I don't have to hold my breath and wait for an answer for social night.

Pheeeeuuw.

A different purpose.
New meaning.
New motivation.

Grow in green, bloom in blue.

Every man's memory is his private literature

Mm. The feeling of temporary freedom. It's been quite a while since a proper one. And yes, itsakerlilerbitz POP loh! (: Mixed emotions actually. Yeah you guys know me pretty well. I'm gonna miss everything, and I do mean it. I remember having my first book-out after two and a half weeks of confinement, and it wasn't a full blast of joy. I felt sad actually, coz I know when there's a first, there's always a last. And man, having to do things for the last time - marching, eating in the cookhouse, sleeping on my bed, using my 5037 rifle, being in 5th company's playground - I hate that feeling.

BMT was a breathtaking ride filled with unforgettable memories, highs and lows, realizations as well as meaningful moments. Till today, I've never experienced something truly enriching and character changing. It's like a mirror looking into our true selves, a platform to understand our strengths, and most of all, a privilege for us to set the right paths for the remaining part of our lives.

And man, what better way to fully enjoy Tekong than being enlisted into 5th Company - a company that's known for its high standards of discipline, regimentation and performance. It's true that some of us felt 'unlucky' when we're posted to 5th coy (xiong ah!) but I dare say that by the end of our 5th coy BMT, we view it as the greatest privilege a recruit can have in Pulau Tekong, and I truly mean it.

In camp, we're pushed beyond our limits. When that happens, you get to see everyone's true colours, including yourself. There'll be people stepping up, making sacrifices for the sake of the section or platoon - and there'll be those that run to the shadows and reappear when everything's fine and dandy. There'll be those who're tough on stage, but are weak when their shows are over. You get to see a whole buffet of characters. Some make you hungry, others make you puke. Lessons are learnt everyday, and they're not just combat knowledge. Nah, I won't make a list. But there's one thing I feel like sharing  - always do the right thing, even if no one's watching you.

Besides that, if you're a nature lover like me, the jungle's a haven. Greeneries. Unobstructed horizon sunsets. Experiencing the brightness of pure moonlight to guide you through the pitch blackness of the jungle. And during the last nights of my field camp, our commanders brought us to cook noodles by the beach. We were facing a setting sun, with vermillion clouds blanketing the sky. When it turned dark, we got to see the full spectrum of stars, unpolluted by city lights. It was a quiet scene that was bursting with beauty. Oh, I saw a shooting star that night. (: Never take anything for granted and cherish every small thing possible.

In the final week of BMT, we had our OC evening, and daaayuum it was freaking hilarious! I've never laughed so hard before. We mocked our commanders till their faces turn red! Oh and of course, the unavoidable confrontation of Commanders vs Recruits impromptu Dance-Off! Was surprised to see my PC doing some sick shuffle, was shocked to see another PC doing some dual torchlight tecktonik with the audi lights off, and was glad to see PS Thorton breaking the floor with his bboy style.  I knew it, the commanders have been hiding their moves for this night against us.

I can go on describing every single memorable event but I don't think I should. There're too many of them. But, I can go on writing about every single memorable thing - my commanders. They are the greatest mentors I've ever had. I'll always remember Sgt Eqmal's advice before saying goodbye to us. "Be true to yourselves, people will see it through you". Replying "Hooah" to Lft Ernest for the last time, and shouting "conquered by none, 5th coy" for the last time under the Float's grandstand...

Alright, alright. I'm gonna shut up.

Just one last thing. Wanna thank my buddy Z for.. everything. When I first met him I was a little scared coz he cut himself on the first day with a swiss knife and had to get stitched up! xD But man, he's the most positive guy I've ever met. He'll be the loudest when it comes to counting or echoing, everytime. He'll be the one jumping first into the wet mud. He'll be the one volunteering and sacrificing his rest time for us. Couldn't ask for a better buddy. And freak, he surprised everyone with his breakdance! Bboy from the land of down under aye maite ;D

Ah.

I'm going to get my next posting tmrw. New camp. New people. New expectations. To be honest I'm not really keen into adapting to a new environment, again. But hey, I told myself here before going into Tekong that I've to keep an open mind. It's not about what we leave behind, but what we gain ahead.

I guess I have to keep my morale up. Which means, I've to go groceries shopping tomorrow morning and get ingredients to make my morale potion.

Tom Yam Soup <3

Back Being Herself

Trust me, this is quality.

Recent (early June) performance at Seymour Clubhouse, Hong Kong.
She did Let It Be and What A Wonderful World too.

What can I say? Oh, infinitely better than Sail Away ;P

Welcome back Connie.