Ramadhan 2020

The compass swings inwards. The night rains are retuning relevant senses to the pluviophile. The leaves are turning deep green and keeping things in perspective. It is a blessing to experience this blend of remoteness and intimacy. It is a blessing to steer goodness in little ways into things that matter.

What a moment to be alive amidst the trials and structured pandemonium.

How I imagined it to be

Alhamdulillah.

I received a special blessing this morning.

Reminded me of this:-

"Ah, yes a new calendar. I've not been a fan of a motivational start, thus I'll pay a visit down memory lane. Remember your kindergarten art assignments? I recall submitting repeated drawings of the same old thing. A house, with two curtained windows, perched on a hill, in the hour of a sunset. Most time will be spent doing the foreground, which is a set of textured wooden fence accompanied by the slight overgrowth of flora. It seems to have a story of its own. One day, I wish to framelessly pin it on the side of a secret pine trail, while placing hope in discovering a similar painting in an untouched meadow.

I've flipped my canvas into an empty page. Last year, I learnt that perfection can never be shown, only discovered. And only discovery itself, defines perfection in this world."

[67:1-4]

- - -

Cahaya gerhana dikejarkan ramai

Indahnya tersirat bayangan di bumi

Awan mana tidak mendamaikan permai

Bintang mana tidak menemani sepi

- - -

"Among the eerie phenomena that can accompany an eclipse of the sun, shadow bands are perhaps the most unusual. These mysterious gray ripples are sometimes seen flitting over the ground within several minutes of totality (the period when the sun's disk is fully concealed by the moon). Initially, the bands appear faint and jumbled; but as totality draws near, they become more organized, their spacing decreases to an inch or two and they become more visible. After totality ends, the pattern reverses: the bands reappear and become progressively fainter and more disorganized until they finally disappear." [Read more]

Glass pieces in my hair

They clapped.

No one talked about it. But they clapped.

The drizzle and dark, evening rain clouds blanketed this isolated soul with contentment. And the winds echoed through the gaps of the closing shutter as a gesture for a job well done.

She was listening to me while trembling in fear. Eyes fixed. And her breaths were paced by my words and touch. I felt trusted.

Alhamdulillah.

Clarity

This haze makes me weep. Peace. Happiness. Hope. I remember these sentiments.

I miss the past terribly. Ya Allah, please be kind to me on this journey of self improvement.

All, in relation to nothing

Ya Rabb, I humbly beg you to bless us with the strength to stay rooted to the beliefs, values and pure intentions that are commended by Your Wisdom.

Ya Rabb, we come to you with imperfections, thus be kind to us and the people around us as You are the Most Merciful.

Ya Rabb, verily we are in need of the things You give to us. Yet, no matter how much rain is being showered upon us, we'll still be dehydrated without Your guidance.

Bless us Ya Rabb, as we have nothing, except You.

La ilaha illAllah.

Insaan

A keeper of silence sets his compass adrift to the indefinite corners of rediscovery. Afterall, I was someone who had the self-belief and courage to find shelter under the shadows of normalcy and solitude.

I am, more than I will ever know, and more than I will ever be.

Guide me home.

Esok

Be kind to your future self.

This poem was directed to my future self when I was 20 years old. I don't think I've told anyone about this intent.

May 12, 2014.

Fly, little wing

Into the swirling gust of hope

High above the pouring sky

Far beyond the rainbow's end

Where souls hear the faintest cry

Fly, little wing

With the pride of a wallflower

Blooming amongst the busy street

Unafraid of the cold oblivion

For their lives chant a toneless beat

Fly, little wing

Ride the waves of abiding faith

Across the old slumbering shore

With voiceless emotions of the setting sun

Till the heart finds a familiar cure

Fly, little wing

Share the calm spell of your mystery

And sweet dews of the early night

Ushering shadows of gentle moonbeams

And astral dreams towards the starry light.

Fly, little wing

The unhurried mind in aphotic plains

The sole guardian of solitude's heat

The old embracer of the icy gale

The lost wanderer whom I would greet

Fly, little wing

Catch the glimpse of the morning star

Shining down on your glistening road

To a place of uncharted trails

Where stories turn into an arcane code

Fly, little wing

O' dull feathers of the azure sky

And fellow miner for the heart of gold

Hum softly of your mortal price

For what's buried will be timely told

Fly, little wing

Breathe the cool air of credence

And sing your own saccharine song

For who are they, to rightfully say

What is different, and what is wrong?

Fly, little wing

Stand proud by the fallen twigs

And see the past through autumn's hues

The silent splendour of waning years

Amid the essence of vermilion views

Fly, little wing

Into the endless horizon

Painting portraits, of your final crime

Gliding past, collapsing stars

Ever dodging the hands of time

Fly on, little wing.

Allure us with your distant smile.

[93]

- - -

Brilliant.

- - -

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided. [2:186]

- - -

Alhamdulillah, I turned 26 today.

طه

9th May 2019

Alhamdulillah.

I wish to share a little something.

Yesterday was physically challenging. During the 2.4km IPPT station, I was silently worried about my first ever Division match at night. I had to perform and show that I am capable, despite fasting and doing my IPPT four hours before the match.

While running my 2.4km, I made an uncharacteristic prayer, somewhat along the lines of "Bless me with the strength to do well tonight. I place my trust in You. If I'm not permitted to and if it displeases You, then it is not my rizq and I'll accept it."

It is uncharacteristic of me as I usually tend to make prayers that only plead for blessings, without really having the humility to truly consider pleasing Him in my do'a. Tawakkul. If it pleases the Giver of Peace, InsyaaAllah we will have nothing to lose.

Later that night, I played one of my best games as the right midfielder. It is such a joy to play alongside a great team. I scored a goal. We won 5-0 and I received praise from my teammates and coach for my performance.

~

I have been learning to share things with my parents now. Slowly. It is about pleasing them after all. Just text what's on my mind in the family group chat, y'know.

Today, I shared yesterday's experience with my mum. She replied "Kalau niat hati baik, InsyaaAllah boleh."

~

Ramadhan in station is a great blessing. We Iftaar and solat Maghrib, Isya', Terawih & Subuh together as a rota. It is a humbling experience to have rotating imams for our prayers. May He guide this family constantly. Oh Turner of hearts, please keep our hearts firm on Your Religion.

~

“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.”

― Leonardo da Vinci

Alhamdulillah

- - -

Alhamdulillah.

The weekly football trainings are conducted at a beautiful field, surrounded by yellowflame trees. Have I mentioned that the daily view at Bishan FS is a quiet spectacle to behold?

Last duty, the crowd of 50 applauded our rescue effort. I didn't witness it as I was the last to leave the scene after conducting fire investigation. Amidst the shouting and chaos, being in the blackness of thick smoke actually soothes me, somehow.

Sometimes, the administrative and leadership stresses of work get uncomfortably challenging. But Allah has continuously blessed me with many little things and fruitful lessons that make me feel alive. Alhamdulillah ‘alaa kuli haal.

15 hours ago, I was given news that I got promoted. I'm grateful for the support and silent prayers. Alhamdulillah. InsyaaAllah in 15 hours' time, I will be leaving to perform my Umrah.

- - -

Did We not expand for you, [O Muhammad], your breast? And We removed from you your burden. Which had weighed upon your back. And raised high for you your repute. For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. So when you have finished [your duties], then stand up [for worship]. And to your Lord direct [your] longing. [Surah Ash-Sharh]

صبرا جميلا

On the 6th of April 2019,

I started my day with a performance at Northlight. Let's continue building the stage confidence (: Malay 60's performance on 13th April at Eunos CC, yes/no? In the afternoon, I admired the blue skies and coconut trees through a sepia tint in Darul Aman. At night, the earthly heavens uncharacteristically greeted me with loneliness at Gardens by the Bay.

Salaam

The azure.

Two weeks ago, the horizon felt infinite, as it should be. The sky felt vast and light. The after rain nimbi were parading gracefully over the subtle limelight. The medium of passing showers brought the birds out for their last evening snack - their eyes aglow with the orange rays of twilight. When the biggest star had set, it gave way to a thousand others.

Life changing events, regardless of magnitude, create a lucid silence recognized by those who understand it.

The night feels a little heavy tonight, though.

- - -

This doa was saved in my draft. I just feel like sharing it now. Allah has been watching over me lately.

Ya Rabbi.

I am making this doa openly to perhaps seek for mortal empathy, as I am truly weak. Thus help me, and be kind to my imperfect sincerity.

Allah, I bear witness that humans tend to disappoint and hurt, except You. So please instill in me, gently, the patience and wisdom to treat others fairly and kindly. I am beyond my breaking point, and I am tired of everything. I feel alone, yet so separated, from myself. I am lost, and I have nowhere to go.

Sunday

- - -

Old Jap songs have the power to remove the rough edges on melancholic memories that didn't even happen.

Nocturne

Tired. Sick. Stressed out by work. Work and life still goes on. Alhamdulillah.

I was going to share about the essence of gratitude, I think. But now I just received a call that my mum is on the way to the hospital in an ambulance.

Yes Azmi, do not be afraid of gratitude. These are trials.