Patience was my sanctuary

I need peace in my life. In my home. It is not easy to have peace right now. Ah yes, the ups and downs of life. Just as I prayed for patience, humility, and courage during the evening rain, after so long. I did pray for joy and happiness. Did I pray for strength though? Hmm. I used to make doa consistently for years but I grew to be afraid. I have been tested in many hidden ways, and I'm afraid because it feels like most of my prayers come true, one way or another. But it's not easy.

Allahu Akbar.

Life's difficulty seems to be increasing with age. Did I grow to care too much, unnecessarily? Did I grow to be less silent. I feel like I'm giving up too easily. Do you know what's my fuel? Gratitude. I am not doing anything now that invites gratitude. Silent gratitude. Anything. Haha do you see my flaw? I need to be appreciated. Is it wrong though? No, be strong Azmi, be selfless like you used to be. 'Used to be'. Y'know what's funny, years ago a friend disagreed with me when I said that one can sustain gratitude being the last human being on earth. Maybe I've not been experiencing gratitude. It's not about receiving. Look at the flowers and the skies.

Allahu Akbar.

Strength in solitude. I can't be helped. I need your prayers, you innocent souls.

Yours sincerely,
Azmi

Melancholy

I feel like crying as I'm seeing this view.

The visual warmth of the sun. There is something nostalgic chiselled into it, but I'm not quite sure what it is. The past. I keep wanting to go back to when I was 3 years old. Get things right again. But I can't. It's so sad. I honestly feel helpless and lost.

The Azmi any of you knew is gone. It has been long gone.

I feel like crying because I am bad and I honestly feel worthless to the people around me. I don't feel useful at all. I am nothing. I have failed many things, many times. Regrets. I feel ashamed of myself.

I prayed for humility, for normalcy, for me to taste the ground. And I get this.

Alhamdulillah.

Just like the warmth of the sun, pulling me back into my old innocent comfort. But I see hope contrasted amidst everything. I see the greens of the trees, birds flying.

Hold on why do I suddenly feel happy now?