When the lights go down, in the city

It's about time I start writing letters again. It's been months since the last one and at this pace, the promise of a thousand will definitely be broken. We knew it won't happen from the start but we soon understood that it's never about the number. I figured that there's nothing wrong with sharing, especially to those who understand. So I won't be a riddler this time.

I miss two of my cousins badly. When they were taken away from me, I was reminded of my status as the only child. They helped me to be who I am today - a tad less spoilt. I think I've mentioned this before. They were the ones who teased me badly every time I lose a game of carrom. There were always spectators when we played during our frequent gatherings. I often sob in front of the adults when I'm being teased but all I get is a smile. I didn't understand their smile back then.

My two cousins humiliated me in football when I was a kid. "Mr Soft Boy". "Weak legs". "Gay". I wanted to hurt them with a ball to the face and call it an accident but they were right, I couldn't. They knew my goal was to prove them wrong and that's all that matters. The kind of push I didn't want, but needed. They started bringing me to go up with the 'big boys' at an open grass field in Tampines every Saturday. Big boys? I mean big men. Adults who are able to play. It's a whole different ball game from the oh-so-mediocre street standard. If you want to know a person who's not fooling around, he won't be holding the ball for long. The adults played good team football. It initially felt like the whole world's on my shoulders when the ball's coming to me. Might be funny to you, but the pressure was intense. Most of the adults didn't give in to minors like me and they treated me as a walking toy. Either that or they were trying to impress their families and ladies sitting on picnic mats along the sidelines. I was a burden to my cousins but they continued bringing me there, sometimes giving me a secret bike ride to the field. Hahaha. I didn't tell my parents about the rides, and I certainly didn't question my cousins' intention to have me with them. I wanted to play 11 v 11.

There was a sleepover at my aunt's place with some of my other cousins too. But it wasn't a typical sleepover because I ran out of the house at 2am after losing a table tennis match... to my aunt. She didn't tell me she played it during her school years. They were laughing at me and I wanted them to learn their lesson by making them worry, so I made a dash to a nearby park. It was scary for a 12 year old to be alone in the dark but my ego erased my fears. I wondered - I didn't have to go through this if I could stop being a spoilt baby. I didn't expect them to take that long but finally they found me. Back in the house, they gathered and talked to me like an adult. I was the youngest in my generation and had a huge age gap. They were working young adults, and I was just entering the secondary school stage. To be honest I can't recall the content of the talk, but I know I changed after that infamous event.

I became a little better with the things I do in general. On the playful side, I somehow improved in carrom and I even dared to challenge the best in my family. We do need the technical skills in the things we do, but maybe it's more important to be composed and have the control to create your own luck. I improved for the Saturday football games and I knew the pressure was on the adults to not get humiliated by a minor. I don't fully trust my peers when they compliment me but I will trust a seasoned adult who have seen more. The people on the field started praising me after the games, and it's a unique feeling that I treasure. I remember this old man, probably at the age of 60, who still has it. Who knows what glory he had achieved to be good at that age. I think I can even recognize his appearance, but I certainly remember his thumbs up to me at the end of a game. I believe these things started the ball rolling for me (see what I did there). I don't think it's that easy to earn 2nd in nationals, start for a respected victoria school team, and be in exco for college. Your achievements and abilities are not really yours, there are always things that trigger it and sometimes, they are blessings that you must be continuously grateful for.

I realized I was being guided by my cousins, not tortured. Being forced to make mistakes to realize you have them inside, waiting to break free someday. Better to know them when you're a child than when you're an adult. Take on defeats, criticisms and jeers with an open mind, not with watery eyes and fuming emotions (although I so did that last year - my bad). My cousins made things better for me. I said earlier that I didn't understand the smiles from the adults while I was getting teased. I thought they could at least help me by stopping my cousins but they didn't. They smiled, and I think this was a far greater help. I got to know one day that even my parents approved them to do so. It was to build strength for an irritating big mouth kid like me. Yes, don't be surprised.

It might be a superficial thing to you but it means a lot to me. 'When a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it can cause a hurricane in another part of the world.' Seemingly insignificant things shape the big picture. It's up to us to recognize them. If you think you can make even the slightest difference to someone, do it. Who knows what they'll be in the future due to your simple action.

My cousins accompanied me through my early teens. They would cook for me in the middle of the night - and it would usually be egg-cheese omelettes. They would bring me to my favourite spot at Changi. And... I remember being a little too mischievous with them. They told me to be their voice to a group of older girls who were having supper across our table. It was a cheesy line but hey, I was a naive kid. It was funny though. Oh, and they were the ones who protected us from a king cobra which appeared in the toilet of our village at Masai. My cousins are good people and I know it.

But unfortunately, bad influence got the better of them. It was such a silly mistake that snowballed into a chain of events. They were arrested by the police and were sent to court, facing 3 sets of charges. I tried chipping in my own logic to their free-of-charge public lawyers, but it was difficult. The opposition trio of lawyers were experts at maximising the charges and invoking unnecessary hell to the guilty. I was a kid, but I had a hunch it wasn't a fight to uphold the law and truth, but to uphold their names as great lawyers. We'll never know. May the correct justice be done to you.

It's a little sad now that when I'm allowed to meet them, we're separated by either a glass frame or a tv screen. We'll talk about good books, car magazines and sports because those are the things they are able to have in prison. It's a technically a world of limitations down there but it's just in literal terms. The concrete walls surrounding them are windows to see more clearly. Those things are just making them stronger. Make good use of what we don't have. The absence of certain things might just be what we need. Do remember that.

Hope my relatives won't find a way to this blog. Guess I'll be dead if they know I'm sharing it here. But what's the fear of people knowing our mistakes if we have changed? Embarrassment? I don't see it as that. If sitting behind metal bars is what it takes to be better than most people out there at the end of the day, then so be it.

After all, it's a journey.

I won't care about what you're gonna say, but this is a good song.

Goodnight (: