Sunday

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Old Jap songs have the power to remove the rough edges on melancholic memories that didn't even happen.

Nocturne

Tired. Sick. Stressed out by work. Work and life still goes on. Alhamdulillah.

I was going to share about the essence of gratitude, I think. But now I just received a call that my mum is on the way to the hospital in an ambulance.

Yes Azmi, do not be afraid of gratitude. These are trials.

Breathe

Trusting a leader's judgement.

I am thankful that we have been frequently tested with thrilling operations (quite a number of our rescue incidents have been covered by the news / social media hehee).

Alhamdulillah, I received my first Service Excellence Award in Bishan with the guys. Well deserved, lads. That August 2018 rescue was challenging. My takeaway - genuine hearts remain genuine during tough times.

Yesterday's substation fire was unique, but I knew what I was doing, Alhamdulillah. Turning out with all the traffic lights down. Blackness. Smoke logged. Could have possibly dropped half a floor down through a hole which I blindly walked past several times. Who would have pointed the Thermal Imager to the ground? Allah is Ever-Watchful. My guys trusted my decision going in with the electrical nozzle jet although it is filled with 22kV transformers. When we broke the door, the initial gush of smoke made 5 guys settling the hose feeding and 2nd jet outside choke (1 vomited). It wasn't the normal electrical smoke. I was in BA with the 1st crew. Checked that running lines were not live (lights were off on the back row switchboards). Checked that dry powder wouldn't work. Sprayed from a distance, kept ourselves dry. 30mins. 5 assessed by Ambulance. 1 conveyed :/ We knew that we did the right thing. We followed the right procedures. It became MHA incident level. Answered to Div Comdr for Comr's update for 2 hours in the office in wet clothes (freezing). More work to be done tomorrow.

Brown

Salaam Azmi, please have courage in your words again.

~

It drizzled for almost the entire day.

I was tested with several similar opportunities to be sincere, and quiet, today. The Most Merciful and Benevolent is ever-watchful, and generous.

In the evening, my dad gave a salaam to me through text for the first time.

"Assalamualaikum azmi skrg ada dimana".

When I returned home, the cat litter box, which had been a great mess, had been cleaned, washed and scrubbed. My dad had vowed not to touch the cat litter 5 years ago.

Time

Permitted to have this coincidence.

Al Hujurat.

A great lecture.

This morning at 4am I hugged my mother for the first time (in a long while). Dreamed that she passed away. May Allah bless her with good health, peace and Paradise.

لَّا إِلَٰهَ إِلَّا أَنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِينَ

Dhuha

I don't recall the last time I teared with joy. Well come to think of it, perhaps today's tears weren't of happiness too. I felt embarrassed and unworthy. Despite my grave shortcomings, I'm still being continuously blessed with Allah's Rahmah.

This morning, I was alone. The Vineyard candle was being burned to replace the anxious sentiments attached to its humble scent. The blue sky beamed an instinctive beacon of guidance, that clarity comes with patience, and patience comes to those with a compass. The sun blazed through the gap with great gravity, heating a primitive reminder - Feel. Feel the seen and the unseen.

I've been calling my cats in the 'Far Horizons' tune from Skyrim. "Amy where Amy... Samu where Samu...". I hope you'll give it a listen. My cats have genuine hearts.

Windless

The winds - I don't feel them now.
The scent of ozone before the rain hasn't been apparent too.
Tough times.

It was a good ending to my academic journey. My FYP presentation went well. I was able to connect with the moderator and received positive feedback from my professor and the junior who sat in. All the struggles during practice disappeared and everything went smoothly. The moment I exited the room, I knew it was God's help.

I am also thankful for all the support I received throughout my university life. If you refer to my 26th Nov 2017 post, I dedicated a classical piece called "Misty". It's a fitting piece for the 3 most important individuals in my life for the concern they showed me on that day. But ultimately, Alhamdulillah for all the blessings, especially the ones I have been receiving lately.

Despite being a slave full of sins, He still nourishes me with blessings that propel me forward. This year, I've tried my best to live by remembering "Verily, the remembrance of Allah is the greatest" (usually the 2nd last verse of khutbahs). Such a humbling reminder. A comforting one too. Regardless of the blessings or challenges presented, everything gets simplified into one advice.

Giving advice is not easy for me. I'm generally scared that I will be tested to be a man of my word when struck with the same adversity. I've experienced these tests sufficient times to be wary. This month, I shared the same advice to two individuals. True enough, the test came two days later.

I believe SCDF is the right choice. Apart from the stability and income for my current and future family, I know that I need a genuine purpose in my life. It is also a career surrounded by gratitude. I'll be frank - I was privileged enough to be offered a scholarship from them, but I didn't accept it because I disliked how certain things ran in the management level, especially when it came to implementations of administrative and ground matters. 4 years later, I realized most of the sectors are like that. No organisation can be perfect. I have faith in the younger generation of leaders.

I was told to undergo training again for 7 months during both interviews, as I have expected. But a few days ago, I received surprising news - You are not required to go through RCC. You will report directly to a Fire Station.

What on Earth.

It's been 4 years. I'm out of touch. New equipment. New procedures. New appointments. My fitness and body conditioning need work. Please forgive me for saying this - during my training 6 years ago, I took the course seriously and ended up being the best nsf in my batch, which led to the Central FS posting. I was posted based on merit. People knew I was capable. I wasn't empty. On-the-ground. From there, it was easier to build upon the mutual respect and relationships. Now, without this training, I know it's slightly more difficult. And what about the station posting? I hope it is at least based on distance from my home.

All I wanted to do after graduating from university was to be carefree for a while. The plan was to just enter training for 7 months and progressively prepare myself for real responsibilities next year. Oh well, I must be grateful for this blessing. I'm thankful that the commissioner and his team trust my capabilities. My parents are extremely happy I won't be in camp for 7 months. I won't have to worry about them or my cats (specifically cat litter issues because my parents vowed not to touch it). I'll have to eat more and train every night this Ramadhan. My ex-colleagues are volunteering to give me a refresher course, training notes and updates too. Allah knows what's best for me. Alhamdulillah ‘alaa kuli haal.

And... I just answered my parents salaam by saying "Alhamdulillah". Awkward.

Oh wow it's dark. The smell of ozone! The coolness of the winds! They're back!

Different Switches

Looking at the PS1 games that I used to play with my parents make me want to be a better son, especially towards my mother.

These were some of the games we used to play daily together. I had like 60+ PS1 games. All pirated though.

Time flies.

Time

The weather has been beautiful lately, in its own way. The clouds are earnestly blue. The winds taste of hope, resolution, perseverance and mercy - A cleansing. But why does my heart beat arrogantly for it? The hunger of wanting it to define my soul, by making it mine without the ability to possess it, defines an arrogant admirer prisoned by time.

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I am 24 years old. My parents need to stop working, especially my mum. I need to secure a stable job, preferably a public sector - higher stability and suitable culture. I hope BCA calls me back. My parents need to stop working.

My backup plan has always been SCDF. Comfortable. Iron rice bowl. I am thankful for the recent conversation with my station OC. I worry about the 7 months training phase when I have to be away from my house on weekdays. I worry about the post-station stint postings. My regular peers have mixed views and personal stories of their departments. Some are doing well. Some have left.

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The birds have their evening feeding time before dusk. Something genuinely special about that.

Patience was my sanctuary

I need peace in my life. In my home. It is not easy to have peace right now. Ah yes, the ups and downs of life. Just as I prayed for patience, humility, and courage during the evening rain, after so long. I did pray for joy and happiness. Did I pray for strength though? Hmm. I used to make doa consistently for years but I grew to be afraid. I have been tested in many hidden ways, and I'm afraid because it feels like most of my prayers come true, one way or another. But it's not easy.

Allahu Akbar.

Life's difficulty seems to be increasing with age. Did I grow to care too much, unnecessarily? Did I grow to be less silent. I feel like I'm giving up too easily. Do you know what's my fuel? Gratitude. I am not doing anything now that invites gratitude. Silent gratitude. Anything. Haha do you see my flaw? I need to be appreciated. Is it wrong though? No, be strong Azmi, be selfless like you used to be. 'Used to be'. Y'know what's funny, years ago a friend disagreed with me when I said that one can sustain gratitude being the last human being on earth. Maybe I've not been experiencing gratitude. It's not about receiving. Look at the flowers and the skies.

Allahu Akbar.

Strength in solitude. I can't be helped. I need your prayers, you innocent souls.

Yours sincerely,
Azmi

Melancholy

I feel like crying as I'm seeing this view.

The visual warmth of the sun. There is something nostalgic chiselled into it, but I'm not quite sure what it is. The past. I keep wanting to go back to when I was 3 years old. Get things right again. But I can't. It's so sad. I honestly feel helpless and lost.

The Azmi any of you knew is gone. It has been long gone.

I feel like crying because I am bad and I honestly feel worthless to the people around me. I don't feel useful at all. I am nothing. I have failed many things, many times. Regrets. I feel ashamed of myself.

I prayed for humility, for normalcy, for me to taste the ground. And I get this.

Alhamdulillah.

Just like the warmth of the sun, pulling me back into my old innocent comfort. But I see hope contrasted amidst everything. I see the greens of the trees, birds flying.

Hold on why do I suddenly feel happy now?

Yellow Flame

I can't stand this semester. But I wish to succeed.

7 Long-tailed Parakeets. They flew to the right as a flock, and then left to a distant tree. New birds have been around lately.

My favourite tunes of dusk and dawn:





DTL is awesome.

I've recently discovered the name of one of my favourite trees.

Maktub

Lately, the blues and greens have been whispering strength into this soul. Yet, I feel a fresh and peculiar weakness. They speak of the veracity of death. Yet, I feel unsettled and insecure.

The hearts of birds. I hope for one.