Patience was my sanctuary

I need peace in my life. In my home. It is not easy to have peace right now. Ah yes, the ups and downs of life. Just as I prayed for patience, humility, and courage during the evening rain, after so long. I did pray for joy and happiness. Did I pray for strength though? Hmm. I used to make doa consistently for years but I grew to be afraid. I have been tested in many hidden ways, and I'm afraid because it feels like most of my prayers come true, one way or another. But it's not easy.

Allahu Akbar.

Life's difficulty seems to be increasing with age. Did I grow to care too much, unnecessarily? Did I grow to be less silent. I feel like I'm giving up too easily. Do you know what's my fuel? Gratitude. I am not doing anything now that invites gratitude. Silent gratitude. Anything. Haha do you see my flaw? I need to be appreciated. Is it wrong though? No, be strong Azmi, be selfless like you used to be. 'Used to be'. Y'know what's funny, years ago a friend disagreed with me when I said that one can sustain gratitude being the last human being on earth. Maybe I've not been experiencing gratitude. It's not about receiving. Look at the flowers and the skies.

Allahu Akbar.

Strength in solitude. I can't be helped. I need your prayers, you innocent souls.

Yours sincerely,
Azmi

Melancholy

I feel like crying as I'm seeing this view.

The visual warmth of the sun. There is something nostalgic chiselled into it, but I'm not quite sure what it is. The past. I keep wanting to go back to when I was 3 years old. Get things right again. But I can't. It's so sad. I honestly feel helpless and lost.

The Azmi any of you knew is gone. It has been long gone.

I feel like crying because I am bad and I honestly feel worthless to the people around me. I don't feel useful at all. I am nothing. I have failed many things, many times. Regrets. I feel ashamed of myself.

I prayed for humility, for normalcy, for me to taste the ground. And I get this.

Alhamdulillah.

Just like the warmth of the sun, pulling me back into my old innocent comfort. But I see hope contrasted amidst everything. I see the greens of the trees, birds flying.

Hold on why do I suddenly feel happy now?

Windows to the soul

Cool wind.

Dark Mornings

Yellow Flame

I can't stand this semester. But I wish to succeed.

7 Long-tailed Parakeets. They flew to the right as a flock, and then left to a distant tree. New birds have been around lately.

My favourite tunes of dusk and dawn:





DTL is awesome.

I've recently discovered the name of one of my favourite trees.

Saudade

I've been disappearing.

Coward.

Fight back.

Do

In the library now with my tummy making pre-historic beastly mating calls. I shall go have my lunch soon. My playlist on this old-ass laptop is... proper. This is the most stressful semester ever. My life's a mess. There is something holding me back and nobody in this world will ever know about it, because I'm ashamed of myself.

I need to get my life back together again.

Time to get my playlist right on my desktop computer.

Vienna

Slow down, you crazy child.

You're so ambitious for a juvenile.

But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?

You better cool it off before you burn it out.

You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Don't you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want or you can just get old?

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine.

You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.

Too bad, but it's the life you lead.

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.

Though you can see when you're wrong,

You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.

You've got your passion. You've got your pride,

But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child.

Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.

It's all right you can afford to lose a day or two.

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Don't you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want or you can just get old?

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.

Why don't you realize Vienna waits for you?

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Cool wind is coming through my window.

Need my life back

It's another tequila sunrise,

this old world still looks the same,

another frame.

Watch the skies

I smell the forest (legit forest aroma, bought from japan home). The forest will remind me of pleasant things. I am contented.

Maktub

Lately, the blues and greens have been whispering strength into this soul. Yet, I feel a fresh and peculiar weakness. They speak of the veracity of death. Yet, I feel unsettled and insecure.

The hearts of birds. I hope for one.

Tired

This morning, I heard a baby myna chirping near my window. There were two adult mynas being all loud and melodious. I recognize one of them - the mother. Its nest is near the lift. The baby myna was on the grass. They were teaching the baby myna how to fly. Threw pieces of bread and the pigeons came, along with a crow who sized up its prey (baby myna), and approaching it slowly. It pulled the baby myna by its feet. The mother myna was surprisingly cool about it. I wasn't. I threw bigger pieces of bread for the crow. It took a big piece and flew away. The mother myna then took a piece of bread for its baby, but it used it to lure the baby up on the tree.

When I came back home this evening, the 3 mynas were still there. The baby hopped around. Saw it flapping its wings. Lifted itself up for a bit. Went down to give them bread. The mother myna took a piece in its mouth. It kept going near the baby with the bread, but then it will fly up to a branch to lure him up. Where will the baby sleep if it can't get up to a branch before dusk?

I wonder how these 3 mynas are feeling. They're loud. Happiness, excitement, worry, fear? They make various chirping sounds. Sounds when they get food, when communicating with one other, fending off other birds, grooming themselves. Lively. I heard a set of foreign chirps just now. Was looking at the big trees around the back carpark area. Saw 2 green birds with a long tail. Parrots, here?

It's difficult

Love to see the mother myna taking the bread and flying off to its nest.

I feel so defeated. I know this is my limit. There's only so much I can do when it comes to academics. I'll try better next time. Tawakal. These 3 consecutive days of exams will just be extremely unpleasant for me. The things that I've studied for just seem to.. disappear when I try to re-do it again. This is frustrating. I have never felt so nervous and hopeless like today for my exams, ever.

But thankfully I do see something good coming out of this.

- -

Just as I typed this, my dad told me he's sending my mum to the hospital.

Humans. Stop.

They are (excessively) cutting the branches of the trees in front of my window. The trees are not even tall or huge. Not posing a threat to nearby units or roads. I see butterflies flying near the ground. I saw a myna jumping around the fallen branches. What is it searching for?

Grass. Wind. Rain.

Careless Whisper

Birds are beautiful creatures. The huge trees at Eunos MRT are home to many, especially the mynas. I've seen a couple of things lately. I saw 8 to 10 mynas gathering on a manhole pecking on the lid. It was after a drizzle in the morning but there wasn't any puddles on the lid, just some fallen withered flowers. Hmm. One afternoon while I was eating, there was a one-legged myna on top of a food stall at eunos. It swooped down to eat the leftovers on the table and pecked on the shell of some sambal prawn. It flew to another table to search for something more edible. It couldn't keep itself stable and kept slipping down beak first while pecking on the food. Then an old lady came and sat near my table. She took out tissue packets and sorted out some stuff in her plastic bag. She nonchalantly threw an empty tissue packet on the floor. A few seconds later she threw out another empty packet on the floor. Then she came to me asking if I wanted to buy tissues. I rather buy a meal for the myna. I have been having headaches every day this week. I'm stressed out with many things. It has been raining lately. That's good. Trees look better when it's cloudy and dark. I love to see the birds drinking water and bathing in the puddles. Yesterday, in the showers I watched a mosquito struggling for its life after getting caught on a spider web. The spider was on the web too, crawling slowly towards it. But it got away. The spider is still there today. I've been hearing the chirps of the blue kingfishers near my kitchen window. There is a crow enjoying the drizzle. It looks brave. And strong.

~

Yesterday was (:

A special song came up at an opportune moment.

Today's a lovely day

Dark, dull, grey, cool.

I'm sitting on my kitchen chair in my room. Samurai's been sleeping on my computer chair beside me. I've been hearing a familiar baby myna's chirp. In fact I see him at the top of a tree. He's so high up. The cool wind is swaying the tree. I hope that's Jack.

Flash. Miracle. Strong.

FURASSHU! MIRAKURU! SUTORONGU!

Against the world

I have been imagining a small lake, surrounded by casuarinas and other trees with gentle-dull looking leaves. Crystal clear water. Shallow depth. Rocks and pebbles near the edge so that I can walk comfortably without any mud slowing me down.

I want it to be drizzling when I get there. Each droplet will be a reminder on its own. I need to see the lovely tiny worlds of greeneries submerged under clear rain puddles. The contrast of underwater green with dark brown soil is beautiful. Will there be tiny fish in those puddles?

I will climb a tree to see the fish in the lake and catch the sunset. I have always wanted to climb a tall tree. The wind will sway the trees and rock me gently to sleep.

I want to be there alone, to escape from myself.

Evil has been brewing in my heart.

I'm drained.

Pride Rock

The huge open field beside Masjid Alkaff is now being dug up and re-flattened. Its reddish soil aroma reminds me of something familiar though - Pusara aman? Sato kogyo bendemeer DTL drill? The building phase of Taman Pelangi at Johor? Mmm.

The evening was pretty. The wind lightened my breathing. The birds gave me company. The setting sun was subtly beautiful and modest enough to highlight the huge, semi-barren trees. Plenty of birds were foraging the reddish soil to have their end-of-day feast. The crows settled on the most barren tree. The mynas were doing their 'reporting my location & finding my pals' chirps. The swifts (or swallows) and pigeons were doing their common quiet things. I went up to a pair of white-and-teal-coloured kingfishers. They were 3 metres away. Lovely colours. While walking home, a handful of sparrows flew to a patch of grass beside me. It's the super fine natural grass that looks nice, and super fine. Did you know the normal blade of grass (not the super fine grass) is sharp enough to cut your fingertips?

Anyway, my cats have been lovely to me. I'm thankful.

Home

I am extremely sad and embarrassed.

I don't believe in hope right now.

All forms of knowledge except the knowledge of our own words and character.

Flight and Plight

I've been a little more attentive to the birds around my neighbourhood lately. A little more aware of the different sounds they make. What time they're active. The flock dynamics. Their respective nests. It's cool that a myna sticks with its partner and wander in pairs most of the time. That's nice.

Jack's still here with me. It should be his last day. Tried to release him twice though but somehow the crows circled my kitchen window when Jack was near, like they're waiting for their lunch. He only chirped for his parents during the first few days. He doesn't do that now even when the adult mynas are nearby. How will his parents find him if he keeps quiet? He can't fly that high and far yet. Or can he? He's following me everywhere I go around the house. He responds by his name and comes running after me when I call him. I think that's cute.

I've been constantly worried about him. Is he too warm? (Switched on the kitchen fan when I leave for school just for him). Is he thirsty? (There's no water in his cage because it'll be a big mess). How will he learn to fly when I release him today? Will he find his parents? But honestly I'm tired taking care of him, and I'm trying my best not to be too emotionally attached to it.

I care a little too much about the things beyond my control.

Jack

It's been more than 24 hours. Jack's doing well. I think he's happy. I hope he's happy. I'm placing him near the kitchen window now, and 2 adult mynas have been calling out to him. Jack's responding very actively with its own chirps. The chirp is a set of 3 to 4 consecutive chirps. I know he misses his parents, and his parents miss him as well. I'll find a way to get you back safely into your nest.

It eats and drinks from my hand. I was pacing around the house when it flew to me and perched itself on my shoulder. Jack is a good friend. My cats (especially Amy) accompanied it last night beside its cage. Jack likes to follow Amy around the house. I've been training it to fly by releasing it from a high place. It slept on my tummy this afternoon. It's nice to have the trust of a tiny creature.

Hang in there Jack.

Where's my old rubber slingshot?

It was an animal war scene. The crows preying on this injured baby myna after attacking its nest. The adult mynas doing flying karate kicks on the crows. AKs being fired left and right. Mines detonating everywhere.

Since it's my parents life-long dream to be a war veteran, my dad cooly told my mom to get in the crossfire. The process of R&E was conducted flawlessly by my mom. She walked with a limp straight into the red zone, like an injured general immune to life's bullets, (I wanted to type "like a cute mother penguin") with her eyes fixed on nothing but the helpless baby myna on the ground.

Now she's going to nurse it for a while. My cats and I are going to have an extra friend. She's feeding it with bread. My dad wants to name it Jack. They used to have 2 pet mynas named Nine and Ten. Hope I get to climb the small tree to return it to its nest.

As I'm writing this, I see a crow near my window ripping apart another baby myna. The raw meat looks like the $10 frozen boneless tenders at the supermarkets.

Well, now I'm questioning things again.

Trrdentakdenden

The 4th of February.
A familiarity.

Stand, and write.
Don't lose.

Cold

One of the coldest days. It's cold.

I was 7 years old

First day of school.

I smiled when I realised that 'White Lines' has been playing in my ears while venturing through the long forgotten north spine area (it's called Northspine Plaza now).

I recall playing Thrasher and listening to this song over and over again, because I couldn't clear the first stage or something. I didn't know what to do or how to progress or how many points to score. I was confused and annoyed but at the same time, I was hopeful and excited.

Start from the basics.

In all aspects.

First, I need to learn to not get annoyed by the existence of students. Shut up so annoying. Don't smile. You naive people. Go away. All of you.