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Brilliant.

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And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided. [2:186]

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Alhamdulillah, I turned 26 today.

طه

9th May 2019

Alhamdulillah.

I wish to share a little something.

Yesterday was physically challenging. During the 2.4km IPPT station, I was silently worried about my first ever Division match at night. I had to perform and show that I am capable, despite fasting and doing my IPPT four hours before the match.

While running my 2.4km, I made an uncharacteristic prayer, somewhat along the lines of "Bless me with the strength to do well tonight. I place my trust in You. If I'm not permitted to and if it displeases You, then it is not my rizq and I'll accept it."

It is uncharacteristic of me as I usually tend to make prayers that only plead for blessings, without really having the humility to truly consider pleasing Him in my do'a. Tawakkul. If it pleases the Giver of Peace, InsyaaAllah we will have nothing to lose.

Later that night, I played one of my best games as the right midfielder. It is such a joy to play alongside a great team. I scored a goal. We won 5-0 and I received praise from my teammates and coach for my performance.

~

I have been learning to share things with my parents now. Slowly. It is about pleasing them after all. Just text what's on my mind in the family group chat, y'know.

Today, I shared yesterday's experience with my mum. She replied "Kalau niat hati baik, InsyaaAllah boleh."

~

Ramadhan in station is a great blessing. We Iftaar and solat Maghrib, Isya', Terawih & Subuh together as a rota. It is a humbling experience to have rotating imams for our prayers. May He guide this family constantly. Oh Turner of hearts, please keep our hearts firm on Your Religion.

~

“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.”

― Leonardo da Vinci

Alhamdulillah

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Alhamdulillah.

The weekly football trainings are conducted at a beautiful field, surrounded by yellowflame trees. Have I mentioned that the daily view at Bishan FS is a quiet spectacle to behold?

Last duty, the crowd of 50 applauded our rescue effort. I didn't witness it as I was the last to leave the scene after conducting fire investigation. Amidst the shouting and chaos, being in the blackness of thick smoke actually soothes me, somehow.

Sometimes, the administrative and leadership stresses of work get uncomfortably challenging. But Allah has continuously blessed me with many little things and fruitful lessons that make me feel alive. Alhamdulillah ‘alaa kuli haal.

15 hours ago, I was given news that I got promoted. I'm grateful for the support and silent prayers. Alhamdulillah. InsyaaAllah in 15 hours' time, I will be leaving to perform my Umrah.

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Did We not expand for you, [O Muhammad], your breast? And We removed from you your burden. Which had weighed upon your back. And raised high for you your repute. For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. So when you have finished [your duties], then stand up [for worship]. And to your Lord direct [your] longing. [Surah Ash-Sharh]

صبرا جميلا

On the 6th of April 2019,

I started my day with a performance at Northlight. Let's continue building the stage confidence (: Malay 60's performance on 13th April at Eunos CC, yes/no? In the afternoon, I admired the blue skies and coconut trees through a sepia tint in Darul Aman. At night, the earthly heavens uncharacteristically greeted me with loneliness at Gardens by the Bay.

Salaam

The azure.

Two weeks ago, the horizon felt infinite, as it should be. The sky felt vast and light. The after rain nimbi were parading gracefully over the subtle limelight. The medium of passing showers brought the birds out for their last evening snack - their eyes aglow with the orange rays of twilight. When the biggest star had set, it gave way to a thousand others.

Life changing events, regardless of magnitude, create a lucid silence recognized by those who understand it.

The night feels a little heavy tonight, though.

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This doa was saved in my draft. I just feel like sharing it now. Allah has been watching over me lately.

Ya Rabbi.

I am making this doa openly to perhaps seek for mortal empathy, as I am truly weak. Thus help me, and be kind to my imperfect sincerity.

Allah, I bear witness that humans tend to disappoint and hurt, except You. So please instill in me, gently, the patience and wisdom to treat others fairly and kindly. I am beyond my breaking point, and I am tired of everything. I feel alone, yet so separated, from myself. I am lost, and I have nowhere to go.

Sunday

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Old Jap songs have the power to remove the rough edges on melancholic memories that didn't even happen.

Nocturne

Tired. Sick. Stressed out by work. Work and life still goes on. Alhamdulillah.

I was going to share about the essence of gratitude, I think. But now I just received a call that my mum is on the way to the hospital in an ambulance.

Yes Azmi, do not be afraid of gratitude. These are trials.

Breathe

Trusting a leader's judgement.

I am thankful that we have been frequently tested with thrilling operations (quite a number of our rescue incidents have been covered by the news / social media hehee).

Alhamdulillah, I received my first Service Excellence Award in Bishan with the guys. Well deserved, lads. That August 2018 rescue was challenging. My takeaway - genuine hearts remain genuine during tough times.

Yesterday's substation fire was unique, but I knew what I was doing, Alhamdulillah. Turning out with all the traffic lights down. Blackness. Smoke logged. Could have possibly dropped half a floor down through a hole which I blindly walked past several times. Who would have pointed the Thermal Imager to the ground? Allah is Ever-Watchful. My guys trusted my decision going in with the electrical nozzle jet although it is filled with 22kV transformers. When we broke the door, the initial gush of smoke made 5 guys settling the hose feeding and 2nd jet outside choke (1 vomited). It wasn't the normal electrical smoke. I was in BA with the 1st crew. Checked that running lines were not live (lights were off on the back row switchboards). Checked that dry powder wouldn't work. Sprayed from a distance, kept ourselves dry. 30mins. 5 assessed by Ambulance. 1 conveyed :/ We knew that we did the right thing. We followed the right procedures. It became MHA incident level. Answered to Div Comdr for Comr's update for 2 hours in the office in wet clothes (freezing). More work to be done tomorrow.

Brown

Salaam Azmi, please have courage in your words again.

~

It drizzled for almost the entire day.

I was tested with several similar opportunities to be sincere, and quiet, today. The Most Merciful and Benevolent is ever-watchful, and generous.

In the evening, my dad gave a salaam to me through text for the first time.

"Assalamualaikum azmi skrg ada dimana".

When I returned home, the cat litter box, which had been a great mess, had been cleaned, washed and scrubbed. My dad had vowed not to touch the cat litter 5 years ago.

Time

Permitted to have this coincidence.

Al Hujurat.

A great lecture.

This morning at 4am I hugged my mother for the first time (in a long while). Dreamed that she passed away. May Allah bless her with good health, peace and Paradise.

لَّا إِلَٰهَ إِلَّا أَنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِينَ

Dhuha

I don't recall the last time I teared with joy. Well come to think of it, perhaps today's tears weren't of happiness too. I felt embarrassed and unworthy. Despite my grave shortcomings, I'm still being continuously blessed with Allah's Rahmah.

This morning, I was alone. The Vineyard candle was being burned to replace the anxious sentiments attached to its humble scent. The blue sky beamed an instinctive beacon of guidance, that clarity comes with patience, and patience comes to those with a compass. The sun blazed through the gap with great gravity, heating a primitive reminder - Feel. Feel the seen and the unseen.

I've been calling my cats in the 'Far Horizons' tune from Skyrim. "Amy where Amy... Samu where Samu...". I hope you'll give it a listen. My cats have genuine hearts.

Windless

The winds - I don't feel them now.
The scent of ozone before the rain hasn't been apparent too.
Tough times.

It was a good ending to my academic journey. My FYP presentation went well. I was able to connect with the moderator and received positive feedback from my professor and the junior who sat in. All the struggles during practice disappeared and everything went smoothly. The moment I exited the room, I knew it was God's help.

I am also thankful for all the support I received throughout my university life. If you refer to my 26th Nov 2017 post, I dedicated a classical piece called "Misty". It's a fitting piece for the 3 most important individuals in my life for the concern they showed me on that day. But ultimately, Alhamdulillah for all the blessings, especially the ones I have been receiving lately.

Despite being a slave full of sins, He still nourishes me with blessings that propel me forward. This year, I've tried my best to live by remembering "Verily, the remembrance of Allah is the greatest" (usually the 2nd last verse of khutbahs). Such a humbling reminder. A comforting one too. Regardless of the blessings or challenges presented, everything gets simplified into one advice.

Giving advice is not easy for me. I'm generally scared that I will be tested to be a man of my word when struck with the same adversity. I've experienced these tests sufficient times to be wary. This month, I shared the same advice to two individuals. True enough, the test came two days later.

I believe SCDF is the right choice. Apart from the stability and income for my current and future family, I know that I need a genuine purpose in my life. It is also a career surrounded by gratitude. I'll be frank - I was privileged enough to be offered a scholarship from them, but I didn't accept it because I disliked how certain things ran in the management level, especially when it came to implementations of administrative and ground matters. 4 years later, I realized most of the sectors are like that. No organisation can be perfect. I have faith in the younger generation of leaders.

I was told to undergo training again for 7 months during both interviews, as I have expected. But a few days ago, I received surprising news - You are not required to go through RCC. You will report directly to a Fire Station.

What on Earth.

It's been 4 years. I'm out of touch. New equipment. New procedures. New appointments. My fitness and body conditioning need work. Please forgive me for saying this - during my training 6 years ago, I took the course seriously and ended up being the best nsf in my batch, which led to the Central FS posting. I was posted based on merit. People knew I was capable. I wasn't empty. On-the-ground. From there, it was easier to build upon the mutual respect and relationships. Now, without this training, I know it's slightly more difficult. And what about the station posting? I hope it is at least based on distance from my home.

All I wanted to do after graduating from university was to be carefree for a while. The plan was to just enter training for 7 months and progressively prepare myself for real responsibilities next year. Oh well, I must be grateful for this blessing. I'm thankful that the commissioner and his team trust my capabilities. My parents are extremely happy I won't be in camp for 7 months. I won't have to worry about them or my cats (specifically cat litter issues because my parents vowed not to touch it). I'll have to eat more and train every night this Ramadhan. My ex-colleagues are volunteering to give me a refresher course, training notes and updates too. Allah knows what's best for me. Alhamdulillah ‘alaa kuli haal.

And... I just answered my parents salaam by saying "Alhamdulillah". Awkward.

Oh wow it's dark. The smell of ozone! The coolness of the winds! They're back!

Different Switches

Looking at the PS1 games that I used to play with my parents make me want to be a better son, especially towards my mother.

These were some of the games we used to play daily together. I had like 60+ PS1 games. All pirated though.

Time flies.