Windless

The winds - I don't feel them now.
The scent of ozone before the rain hasn't been apparent too.
Tough times.

It was a good ending to my academic journey. My FYP presentation went well. I was able to connect with the moderator and received positive feedback from my professor and the junior who sat in. All the struggles during practice disappeared and everything went smoothly. The moment I exited the room, I knew it was God's help.

I am also thankful for all the support I received throughout my university life. If you refer to my 26th Nov 2017 post, I dedicated a classical piece called "Misty". It's a fitting piece for the 3 most important individuals in my life for the concern they showed me on that day. But ultimately, Alhamdulillah for all the blessings, especially the ones I have been receiving lately.

Despite being a slave full of sins, He still nourishes me with blessings that propel me forward. This year, I've tried my best to live by remembering "Verily, the remembrance of Allah is the greatest" (usually the 2nd last verse of khutbahs). Such a humbling reminder. A comforting one too. Regardless of the blessings or challenges presented, everything gets simplified into one advice.

Giving advice is not easy for me. I'm generally scared that I will be tested to be a man of my word when struck with the same adversity. I've experienced these tests sufficient times to be wary. This month, I shared the same advice to two individuals. True enough, the test came two days later.

I believe SCDF is the right choice. Apart from the stability and income for my current and future family, I know that I need a genuine purpose in my life. It is also a career surrounded by gratitude. I'll be frank - I was privileged enough to be offered a scholarship from them, but I didn't accept it because I disliked how certain things ran in the management level, especially when it came to implementations of administrative and ground matters. 4 years later, I realized most of the sectors are like that. No organisation can be perfect. I have faith in the younger generation of leaders.

I was told to undergo training again for 7 months during both interviews, as I have expected. But a few days ago, I received surprising news - You are not required to go through RCC. You will report directly to a Fire Station.

What on Earth.

It's been 4 years. I'm out of touch. New equipment. New procedures. New appointments. My fitness and body conditioning need work. Please forgive me for saying this - during my training 6 years ago, I took the course seriously and ended up being the best nsf in my batch, which led to the Central FS posting. I was posted based on merit. People knew I was capable. I wasn't empty. On-the-ground. From there, it was easier to build upon the mutual respect and relationships. Now, without this training, I know it's slightly more difficult. And what about the station posting? I hope it is at least based on distance from my home.

All I wanted to do after graduating from university was to be carefree for a while. The plan was to just enter training for 7 months and progressively prepare myself for real responsibilities next year. Oh well, I must be grateful for this blessing. I'm thankful that the commissioner and his team trust my capabilities. My parents are extremely happy I won't be in camp for 7 months. I won't have to worry about them or my cats (specifically cat litter issues because my parents vowed not to touch it). I'll have to eat more and train every night this Ramadhan. My ex-colleagues are volunteering to give me a refresher course, training notes and updates too. Allah knows what's best for me. Alhamdulillah ‘alaa kuli haal.

And... I just answered my parents salaam by saying "Alhamdulillah". Awkward.

Oh wow it's dark. The smell of ozone! The coolness of the winds! They're back!

Different Switches

Looking at the PS1 games that I used to play with my parents make me want to be a better son, especially towards my mother.

These were some of the games we used to play daily together. I had like 60+ PS1 games. All pirated though.

Time flies.

Time

The weather has been beautiful lately, in its own way. The clouds are earnestly blue. The winds taste of hope, resolution, perseverance and mercy - A cleansing. But why does my heart beat arrogantly for it? The hunger of wanting it to define my soul, by making it mine without the ability to possess it, defines an arrogant admirer prisoned by time.

-----

I am 24 years old. My parents need to stop working, especially my mum. I need to secure a stable job, preferably a public sector - higher stability and suitable culture. I hope BCA calls me back. My parents need to stop working.

My backup plan has always been SCDF. Comfortable. Iron rice bowl. I am thankful for the recent conversation with my station OC. I worry about the 7 months training phase when I have to be away from my house on weekdays. I worry about the post-station stint postings. My regular peers have mixed views and personal stories of their departments. Some are doing well. Some have left.

-----

The birds have their evening feeding time before dusk. Something genuinely special about that.

Patience was my sanctuary

I need peace in my life. In my home. It is not easy to have peace right now. Ah yes, the ups and downs of life. Just as I prayed for patience, humility, and courage during the evening rain, after so long. I did pray for joy and happiness. Did I pray for strength though? Hmm. I used to make doa consistently for years but I grew to be afraid. I have been tested in many hidden ways, and I'm afraid because it feels like most of my prayers come true, one way or another. But it's not easy.

Allahu Akbar.

Life's difficulty seems to be increasing with age. Did I grow to care too much, unnecessarily? Did I grow to be less silent. I feel like I'm giving up too easily. Do you know what's my fuel? Gratitude. I am not doing anything now that invites gratitude. Silent gratitude. Anything. Haha do you see my flaw? I need to be appreciated. Is it wrong though? No, be strong Azmi, be selfless like you used to be. 'Used to be'. Y'know what's funny, years ago a friend disagreed with me when I said that one can sustain gratitude being the last human being on earth. Maybe I've not been experiencing gratitude. It's not about receiving. Look at the flowers and the skies.

Allahu Akbar.

Strength in solitude. I can't be helped. I need your prayers, you innocent souls.

Yours sincerely,
Azmi

Melancholy

I feel like crying as I'm seeing this view.

The visual warmth of the sun. There is something nostalgic chiselled into it, but I'm not quite sure what it is. The past. I keep wanting to go back to when I was 3 years old. Get things right again. But I can't. It's so sad. I honestly feel helpless and lost.

The Azmi any of you knew is gone. It has been long gone.

I feel like crying because I am bad and I honestly feel worthless to the people around me. I don't feel useful at all. I am nothing. I have failed many things, many times. Regrets. I feel ashamed of myself.

I prayed for humility, for normalcy, for me to taste the ground. And I get this.

Alhamdulillah.

Just like the warmth of the sun, pulling me back into my old innocent comfort. But I see hope contrasted amidst everything. I see the greens of the trees, birds flying.

Hold on why do I suddenly feel happy now?

Yellow Flame

I can't stand this semester. But I wish to succeed.

7 Long-tailed Parakeets. They flew to the right as a flock, and then left to a distant tree. New birds have been around lately.

My favourite tunes of dusk and dawn:





DTL is awesome.

I've recently discovered the name of one of my favourite trees.

Maktub

Lately, the blues and greens have been whispering strength into this soul. Yet, I feel a fresh and peculiar weakness. They speak of the veracity of death. Yet, I feel unsettled and insecure.

The hearts of birds. I hope for one.

Tired

This morning, I heard a baby myna chirping near my window. There were two adult mynas being all loud and melodious. I recognize one of them - the mother. Its nest is near the lift. The baby myna was on the grass. They were teaching the baby myna how to fly. Threw pieces of bread and the pigeons came, along with a crow who sized up its prey (baby myna), and approaching it slowly. It pulled the baby myna by its feet. The mother myna was surprisingly cool about it. I wasn't. I threw bigger pieces of bread for the crow. It took a big piece and flew away. The mother myna then took a piece of bread for its baby, but it used it to lure the baby up on the tree.

When I came back home this evening, the 3 mynas were still there. The baby hopped around. Saw it flapping its wings. Lifted itself up for a bit. Went down to give them bread. The mother myna took a piece in its mouth. It kept going near the baby with the bread, but then it will fly up to a branch to lure him up. Where will the baby sleep if it can't get up to a branch before dusk?

I wonder how these 3 mynas are feeling. They're loud. Happiness, excitement, worry, fear? They make various chirping sounds. Sounds when they get food, when communicating with one other, fending off other birds, grooming themselves. Lively. I heard a set of foreign chirps just now. Was looking at the big trees around the back carpark area. Saw 2 green birds with a long tail. Parrots, here?

It's difficult

Love to see the mother myna taking the bread and flying off to its nest.

I feel so defeated. I know this is my limit. There's only so much I can do when it comes to academics. I'll try better next time. Tawakal. These 3 consecutive days of exams will just be extremely unpleasant for me. The things that I've studied for just seem to.. disappear when I try to re-do it again. This is frustrating. I have never felt so nervous and hopeless like today for my exams, ever.

But thankfully I do see something good coming out of this.

- -

Just as I typed this, my dad told me he's sending my mum to the hospital.

Humans. Stop.

They are (excessively) cutting the branches of the trees in front of my window. The trees are not even tall or huge. Not posing a threat to nearby units or roads. I see butterflies flying near the ground. I saw a myna jumping around the fallen branches. What is it searching for?

Careless Whisper

Birds are beautiful creatures. The huge trees at Eunos MRT are home to many, especially the mynas. I've seen a couple of things lately. I saw 8 to 10 mynas gathering on a manhole pecking on the lid. It was after a drizzle in the morning but there wasn't any puddles on the lid, just some fallen withered flowers. Hmm. One afternoon while I was eating, there was a one-legged myna on top of a food stall at eunos. It swooped down to eat the leftovers on the table and pecked on the shell of some sambal prawn. It flew to another table to search for something more edible. It couldn't keep itself stable and kept slipping down beak first while pecking on the food. Then an old lady came and sat near my table. She took out tissue packets and sorted out some stuff in her plastic bag. She nonchalantly threw an empty tissue packet on the floor. A few seconds later she threw out another empty packet on the floor. Then she came to me asking if I wanted to buy tissues. I rather buy a meal for the myna. I have been having headaches every day this week. I'm stressed out with many things. It has been raining lately. That's good. Trees look better when it's cloudy and dark. I love to see the birds drinking water and bathing in the puddles. Yesterday, in the showers I watched a mosquito struggling for its life after getting caught on a spider web. The spider was on the web too, crawling slowly towards it. But it got away. The spider is still there today. I've been hearing the chirps of the blue kingfishers near my kitchen window. There is a crow enjoying the drizzle. It looks brave. And strong.

~

Yesterday was (:

A special song came up at an opportune moment.

I'm sitting on my kitchen chair in my room. Samurai's been sleeping on my computer chair beside me. I've been hearing a familiar baby myna's chirp. In fact I see him at the top of a tree. He's so high up. The cool wind is swaying the tree. I hope that's Jack.

Flash. Miracle. Strong.

FURASSHU! MIRAKURU! SUTORONGU!

Against the world

I have been imagining a small lake, surrounded by casuarinas and other trees with gentle-dull looking leaves. Crystal clear water. Shallow depth. Rocks and pebbles near the edge so that I can walk comfortably without any mud slowing me down.

I want it to be drizzling when I get there. Each droplet will be a reminder on its own. I need to see the lovely tiny worlds of greeneries submerged under clear rain puddles. The contrast of underwater green with dark brown soil is beautiful. Will there be tiny fish in those puddles?

I will climb a tree to see the fish in the lake and catch the sunset. I have always wanted to climb a tall tree. The wind will sway the trees and rock me gently to sleep.

I want to be there alone, to escape from myself.

Evil has been brewing in my heart.

I'm drained.