Epilogue

Hi readers of my blog. Cherish this moment. It will be my last.
I'm gonna post a very long one, so juz bear with me if you have the time for it k.
Basically, I'm gonna tell you about my life. Yearh. My life.

=)=

Ok, firstly, I want to make this clear. I'm not quitting blogging due to my studies/lack of time/etc. Firstly, I've realized that innocent people gets hurt sometimes by reading my blog.
By selfish thinking concepts and self-importance, I've totally failed to remember about what ppl think of me, how they will react, and will they feel bad abt themselves because of me..

I'm sry to whoever you are out there. Sincere apology.

Sometimes, I do get hurt when I read ppl's posts. How happy they are and how enjoyable their life is.. And I seriously do get hurt sometimes, especially when I'm emotionally down by myself. And the only gateway of happiness is.. My dear friends. The ones I respect. And thinking of the privileged ones made me, hate myself.

This year, when I'm down, and looking at those ppl who were putting on their smiles generously, everywhere, laughing. I envied them. Can my life be like theirs? And there I am, pretending to smile, laugh. I had no other choice. I'm forced, I can't let my friends know I'm weak inside. But, sumhow, I think my internal strength is fading away. But, nvm. I'll regain it back.

So yeah, that's my ultimate reason of exiting the world of blogging. I don't want to hurt anymore people. Although none of you mentioned it, I know, you're sumhow hurt inside.

2008
It has been a pleasant and productive journey so far this year. This year is inarguably the positive transition of my brain perspective towards the outside world, life. Throughout the previous 4 months, I've gain a lot of life skills. Knowledge being gained during flare-ups of my frens, their depression, their evident success, their childishness, maturity. Experiences. Knowledge.

Life is what you think it is.
Life depends on you.

Been through conflicts. Childish, Serious, Plain.. A wide variety of arguments, disagreement. This has led me to apply my problem solving skills. I may have not succeed in finding a solution, but, I have definitely gained something. From this, I have learnt to understand people's reaction, thoughts, emotions, before I react reasonably. I know I have occasionally failed in this, but, guys, give me time to evolve. And there, Empathy, infused within me. Hope I can put it to good use.

The reason to my understanding of life? Simple. You. My friends.
You have been the one doing all this for me. Enlightening me with precious, valuable skills.
Most importantly, wisdom.

I have seen weaknesses, strengths, all kinds of things, about you. My friends.
Thank you.


My Private Life
Hmm.. Before I start, I would lyk to say that whenever you think that your life is a disgraceful and disappointing one, think again. I will not direct you in what to think. -- Think. Just think.

From now on, I will always try my best to appreciate and cherish my life. No matter how cheerful, sad, my life is, tomorrow will be another day for me. I can't predict the future. Enjoy every second of your life. Your life may abruptly change, at any point of time. Trust me my friends.

Hmm.. Ok. Here we go. My Life story.


A boy, internally filled with strength. Blessed with potential. Given the opportunity to experience sadness, difficulties in life. Yes, ups and downs of life makes it meaningful.

Maybe I'm not as financially stable as most of you. I have to adapt to my family's situation. I pity them. Working so hard, taking care of me, suffer for the sake of raising up their one and only child. I pity them. And I've realized my mistakes. Going out to expensive food places, spending unnecessarily... Absolutely redundant.

My mom. She is suffering from kidney disfunctionality. For 16 years she had suffered. Initially, when she was first ill, due to the kidney problems, she had to be hospitalized. That was way before I was born. Both her kidneys failed. Fortunately, my respectable past uncle, her past older brother, donated one of his kidneys to her. Thank you. And there came me. 13 years later, I was shocked to find her condition worsened. And after several operations, she requires permanent dialysis treatment. A metal bar was inputted into her right leg, but was recently taken out due to serious infection problem.

Treatment. Cost.

My dad's income is a mere 1k per month. Maybe worse than your family's or better. I don't know. But, how will you equate to a $10,000 hospital bill? Dialysis too?

Have you ever experienced complete darkness in your house? When you need to complete the given assignments, a powerpoint slide presentation due tomorrow, or submission of research, and out of the blue, darkness engulfed your life. Everything is dead. Everything seems to stop.
Just a strapped headlight, used for fishing, to accompany you throughout your process of completing assignments. Struggling to use the washrooms. Discomfort during sleep. I'm glad I have experienced these unfortunate events so that I will understand the less fortunate ppl.

My dad. He needs to pay up to previous loans and installments. You have no idea how much he has to pay for these stuffs. Worse than the hospital bills. But, if you have managed to take a peek into my wallet, you may think that I'm an average-rich dude. But, I'm forced to carry those amount. What if there is an emergency and I need to arrive to that place as quickly as possible? Nvm.

Time is constantly running.

There was once I argued with them. I wanted to work, to gain money, to help them. I got objected. They even said that if I were to come out of the house to work now, they will not allow me to return. I cried. Yeah, not because of the scolding, but because of their care for me. And now, I have to be academically inclined. Help them. Aid them. Guide them. Show a sense of gratitude and love to them. Repay them.


Me
Yeah. It's abt me.
Want to know my motive and motto of life? Here it is:

• Do not be afraid if what you are doing is right
• No matter how good you are, there is always a bad side of you
• Listen in class. Understand. Apply.
• Do whatever you want if it regards to your personal rights in life
• Do the right things right
• Be constantly prepared for the next world.
  
• Life is what you think it is
• Before you do anything, think abt others
  
• Do not hurt ppl (emotionally, physically)
• Cherish and appreciate your gifts
• Acknowledge your weaknesses, do not let them affect you
  
• Love everything, everyone

Yup, thats me.

Happiness depends on ourselves. Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do, are in harmony.

Hmm.. Recently, I was thinking and planning ahead. What I want to be, what I want to do, what I want to feel. I've listed down the steps to make those things achievable. And listed further sub-steps to make the main steps reasonable. This is all thanks to my uncle. I've gotten a clear image and a starting point to begin from. Although it is a tough and long journey, I will give my best to achieve it. Consistency. Resilience.

Taking a step is the beginning of the 10 000 miles journey.

Sometimes I doubt my ability to complete my vision. Sometimes I question my ability to achieve my goals. I hate verbal assurance. I just want to prove my negative assumptions wrong.

Studies. A very subjective topic to talk about. For me, frankly speaking, I don't study. For those of you who have seen my enthusiasm in school, and have been hurt/disgusted/disturbed by it, sorry. I did not mean to intrude into your tranquility. It's my way of studying and mugging. This explains my attitude at home. A little slack than usual, other than completing dumb assignments, of coz. Which somehow brings me to games. Yeah, I do play games. A piece of advice..

Games doesn't equate to failure in academics. It's how you play the game. It's how you view the game. It's all abt the correct timing and implementations.


My Friends

I will never forget my dear friends. Who have been thru thick and thins of teenage life, carried one another, dragging one another, I want to say thanks. Thank you. You have made me realize most of the things that I need to know. And I hope that you will strive for excellence and prove your negative thoughts wrong. I have concrete confidence in all of you. Someday, trust me, your time will come.


Before I finally end my last post..

I want to take a bow. Thank you. Thanks, for anything that you have done. You have been an essential part of my life story and journey. Molding me into what am I now. Once again, thank you.

I want to align both of my hands, and humbly request for acceptance of my apology. I'm definite that I have surely done something wrong before to you. Pls.. Accept it. I can't bear to live in guilt. And don't ask for forgiveness, as I always forgive anyone that may have hurt me, before I go into my daily deep slumber.


Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul
be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

--Helen Keller

I guess, this is it.. Sharing my life experiences was surely a pleasure and honour. I hope you have taken something with you by reading my blog. 2007-2008 was definitely a bittersweet experience, and something that I will treasure and remember for a long period of time. Through this journey, I have enjoyed a glorious chapter in my life.



Yours truly,
Azmi