Tolerate me

When things are carefully chosen to not be revealed, delusions may occur.

But keep it that way.

I'll disappear.

The Art of Being

"How many lives have been ruined by this need to explain, which usually implies that the explanation be understood - approved. Let your deeds be judged, and from your deeds, your real intentions, but know that a free person owes an explanation only to himself - to his reason and his conscience"

Perfect actions. Ideal decisions.
They don't exist in our daily spectrum.

Pride blinds the ability to see the truth in us. This realization and admittance can never be forced; only independence grants us freedom to our true needs.

Have patience.

Truth and Relevance

A couple of days back, I received the letter I wrote to myself a year ago in Sabah. It was a letter that took me the whole of Solo Night to complete, separated from my peers by the jungle. A letter that was written with the essence and strength of the ever so neglected solitude.

I took time to draft the 7 pages of content here, but I've decided it's not appropriate for it to be seen. Sharing a personal perspective is already challenging. Sharing a letter of guidance crafted for oneself adds a whole different level of complexity. Purpose will grow diluted. Sincerity will be betrayed.

I'm growing.

Oddly enough, the longer someone knows me, the more I have to prove. Our human brain is designed to draw quick conclusions. Glancing at the combination of texture, shape and colour of a tree tells us that it is indeed a tree. Spotting dark clouds over our heads alerts us of the impending rain. It is our nature to conclude - and judge. A judgement may be ignored at the end, but its initial existence will always be created in someone's mind before being controlled. I fear being judged. But as wild as it may seem, I feel this fear is my fundamental companion.

With that being said, I wish to share a tiny, probably insignificant, portion of the letter that is rather cryptical and intriguing.

"My dear friend, I look up to you as how my past friends have looked up to me. I am your special friend who has given his all and gains nothing from it. But the beauty of this friendship is that you don't have to thank me for what you've achieved. This friendship is one-of-a-kind in this world. A genuine friendship that will not be seen and judged by many. I hope you can be the same friend to others when time calls for it. I, am your past, positively wondering about your present, and placing full faith in you to write a better future."

I still hope that this letter will one day be understood by others, without having them to read or hear about it.

Sail into the distance

Perfection in a team can never exist. As long as we physically share a different set of heart, body and brain, perfection itself becomes an ideal. To strive towards it as a team, a group, and even as a family - I learn that patience, wisdom, trust and commitment are truly needed.

Sometimes, I wish I can inform my parents of what I'm currently facing - Even friends and relatives as well. 

Leading is like giving a paper boat a push, with hope that it reaches a specific destination at the other side of the lake. The slightest bit of action defines the present, and it determines the future.

I want the best for my rota.

O Almighty, I believe in Your Guidance.

Beauty

Y'know, I'll open up a little.

When a dream-like essence manifests into a subject of reality, we'd actively quest to validate its truth. The touch of it, can turn an illiterate into a poet.

Ah, this mystery. This challenge.

It's within reach.

Ramadhan

That tiny bit of moment,
when silent sacrifices are being appreciated,
when truly arduous challenges are being overcome.

It roots deeply into our sentimental memory.

Through my windows, the scenery looks suitably perfect.
Even the best set of lenses is unworthy to capture it.

Eid Mubarak, friends (:

Yet to come

It holds no promises.

Today, an inconvenience. Tomorrow, a possible struggle.

Instincts stimulate unmentioned ways to get us through today and tomorrow. A personal poetry of equations made for various encounters, trying challenges and bitter revelations. Those inescapable fears that greet us for the very first time. Problems that stand back and giggle at our naive ways. We write our own poetry and its reasons. Some, write it to equate everyone else but themselves.

Display your anger, disappointment and frustration today. If tomorrow's worse, a museum will be made. Speak of your achievements and possessions. When mountains are presented in your hands, you'll be on your knees to be on the papers. Seek for sympathy under the dark clouds, and when the storm comes you'll sail the seas to hunt for more.

It is a flaw of mine - evident with just a scroll below. I'm sorry.

Those afternoons

It was deja vu to me.

It's as though I've expressed parts of it here once, unknowingly.

Absolutely enjoyed Couch Theatre's Melancholy Play by Sarah Ruhl. Singapore needs to be exposed to this form of art, honestly. The elements of abstract art must never be underestimated. May these passionate bunch of aspiring individuals prosper, and entertain us with more of these hidden classics.

It's like experiencing a long, rainy, Sunday afternoon.

Allure our senses.

Strawberry Fields Forever

Really not a fan of forced responsibility and expectation. It's just a big bait, hooking our soul and freedom of will out of sight. I'm waiting to reach towards a time of safety, and a place where no confusions and concerns apply. How I wish I can turn back time and have flawless control over the things around me.

Ah yes, an open declaration of regret and silent pandemonium.

I need a time machine.

Just one.

Seek

An unravelling discovery.
Slow. Unhurried. Patient.

Elegant, in fact.

Admiring without a physical guide.
Not missing a single step.

Like a beautiful, prolonged surprise.
With its very essence recaptured.

For the twilight

Everything has its limit.

My bed's not made up every morning. My room's in a mess. Board the wrong bus. Phone's usually not charged when I'm heading out. Stood in front of a cashier counter without any cash. I don't even bother if I'm wearing an inside-out sock anymore.

Responsibilities. Burdens. Concerns. Doubts. Empathies. Fatigue.

Is this the peak of my potential? Or is this where I'm at my lowest and weakest?

I don't think a leader would seek for sympathy.

Instead he should search for himself in times of adversity.

I'm lost. But I'm actually glad I feel like a wanderer at this present moment.

Pardon my naive honesty.

Making a difference to someone you care, is a Blessing

“Let me say no more. Words do no justice to the hidden meaning. Everything immediately becomes slightly different when it is expressed in words, a little bit distorted, a little foolish...It is perfectly fine with me that what for one man is precious wisdom for another sounds like foolery.”

I believe the best form of teaching happens when there is no teacher around us.

~

A lot happened within the past 72 hours.

Letter

Just came back from a fire.

I'm still not satisfied with myself, but I'm picking it up.

How I wish I can turn back time and do it flawlessly.

I received a word of advice from one of my most respected mentor last night. I hope you won't misunderstand my intention. I think this is something for us all. It really is, something.

~


Hi Azmi,

That's absolutely fantastic to hear that!! Wow!! central fire station, and it's said a lot about your capabilities in being selected to handle such high profile station.

Yes, Azmi.. I still leading groups in OBS and overseas.. Age is catching up and I should think I will take a long long holiday soon.. Haha..

From your note of the letter, it seems you are brimming with pride yet at the same time laden with worries.. I usually live by the mantra, no point regretting the past; it's over & no benefit worrying about the future; I can't control that.. While there are hiccups along the way, but it has serves me well because it guided me in believing myself to deliver the best...

Such a steady stream of experience guys, I guess on your plate right now is not to so much of leading them (they know at the back of their hands on what to do) but rather using your heart to guide them as well as inspiring them.. I can't say I am very knowledgeable and it will be a 100% success but trying something with sincerity doesn't hurts..

Engage yourself with small talks with your men - listening to their fire fighting experiences, what motivates them to keep on persevering, what was their impactful moment (good and bad) and how they like you to come in to support. After you listen enough (well, might take more than a few sessions) at the same time, you have to minimally shows that you can handle your hardskills well..

It will be hard to manage with all the hoo-haas of an oldest and busiest fire station and you probably have to keep up with being mentally fir as well.. Evaluate after that it what way you think the fire station could benefit and discuss it with your "trusted" sidekicks (potential one of your longest serving men/ sergeant) as well as your drc. Once you are comfortable, involve them in asking how they think the fire station could benefit in trainings or personal development.. At this point, you do not have to share all what you have in mind. Take things one at a time..

From there, you should be able to realise their motivation, their development level and general attitude. You can choose either as formal platform or informal platform - but before doing so, do express what is it that you would like the session to come out to (a certain expectations)..

Remember, you don't have to do it alone - find a trusted, reliable crew to work with you on it. At the end of the day, they can benefit the process - cause once you leave the stations, they will pick up the skills to self develop themselves. Affirmed them when they do good, when there's boo-boos encourage them to share the incident. Just remember do not do it in a way you are asking the floor to judge him or say what's right or what's wrong.. Look after their pride, protect it yet nurture it at the same time..

Ultimately, time management and with lots of hardwork and sincerity, you can achieve at least a certain level. DO not pressure yourself too high though.. just take small steady steps!

Have a blessed day my friend!

~

It's a fence around wisdom

More often than not, they come to us in a form of a whisper.

But what will we hear if we're making the noise ourselves?

Just our own loud, unstable gears - turning away.

Silence is easily ignored by us today. Maybe in the past as well. It's its nature. But by looking at the place we're living in, it's going to be a growing challenge. Sad.

I always have a soft spot for silence.

It explains the reason why I'm not really into noisy meet-ups, parties or the busy street life. It's the reason why I'm such a nature-lover and genuinely envy fortunate people who call countrysides or quiet sub-urbs their home. A beautiful life.

It also explains why I have a great level of admiration and respect for silent individuals, who do good when no one's watching, and need no one to prove their worthiness and value. One who has a quiet heart, but a loud soul. One who surveys with empathy. One who seeks for silence, to get him closer to his God and religion. One who simply understands, what is unheard or unwritten.

It's a rarity.

And to further appreciate who they are and what they do, we have to be silent. I too, have to re-learn to be quiet again. There was a point in my life when I was basically controlling who I am, and who I aspire to be. I think I've been so absorbed with what's happening lately that I tend to treat myself like a biggie, a disorientated and deluded biggie. I'm all, in relation to nothing. To put it in the words of an emotional person - I lost my grip.

I'll blame none, but myself.

I'm sorry.

Fire Virginity

Got my first fire on the 10th of March at 4 in the morning.

Stretched my hand in front of me, and I couldn't see it at all. It was smoke logged. I've never pulled my breathing mask so tight before. It went well, thankfully. It was fortunate that the fire didn't spread to the storage of wines and whiskeys.

Told all the other appliances to return back to base after it was stable.
Stayed another 4 hours for fire investigation. (The investigation was more tiring, somehow)

I actually slept for merely an hour before the call but it was amazing how fatigue seems to disappear and all your engines start running at an instant. It was different compared to blasting 3 alarms beside my pillow to wake me up for school assignments.

But the most amazing thing for my 2nd duty was not the fire.

It was how I got to have a long talk with the people I'm in charge of. The sharing session has opened a new pair of eyes for me and hopefully, a new heart as well.

Yes, I'll remember my first fire.

But I'll definitely remember, for the first time in my life, the people who were already back at the station, waiting for me at the gate at 8 in the morning, smiling, some cheering and giving me their salute as my appliance returned back to base.

I don't think it was a sign of respect.

I feel it symbolized a pair of open arms.

I have an amazing group of people to learn from. Not just about rescue ops.

But everything else, as well.

Day and Night

There are no great men.

Only ordinary men, who have met extraordinary challenges.

Fear. Doubt. Uncertainty?

Tsk. Let's go.

Station 23, Rota 1

I felt like I was a part of the 20 men family.

Some of them looked familiar. I'm pretty sure I've seen them around the neighbourhood in civilian. Most of them are old timers and regulars at the age of 30-40+. Kind of a humbling experience when I saw a dozen of them reporting to work in bicycles. It's an honour to recognize this bunch of noble people being camouflaged by their plain average Joe attire.

Went for 2 enforcement checks at Loyang Industrial. Just amazing to see how they put their game-face on and became professional when interacting with the management and workers there. And after the job's done, they became themselves again, jovial and funny - as hell.

And oh man, the view of the sunset from the station is pulchritudinous-expelliarmusly gorgeous.

We had night lecture - an AAR of orchard flood incident. And I was invited up front to introduce myself. Haha all sorts of funny and some, meaningful questions were being thrown to me. Ah, and the standard green to blue question.

At night, I was kinda nervous to sleep coz I'm the kind of person that needs at least 2 alarm sets beside my ear to wake me up. And sometimes, I'll just ignore it, thinking that they're screaming voices in my dream. I was afraid the bed was too comfy, so I slept at the KC on the floor. :D Anyway, I woke up more than 8 times throughout the night, 3 due to ambulance calls.

At 5.30am, after drinking a milo can - which magically appeared beside me when I woke up (thank you) and after brushing my teeth. There was a fire call - a siren sound that makes us freeze (literally).

"Station 23, Station 23, turnout RT231, RT231."

It was my appliance. Grabbed my uniform and slide down the sliding pole (My course admin said we're banned from the sliding pole during attachment - But really.... xD) Went to the watch room for the call sheet, and I glanced through it - A father reported that his son was high on drugs and threatened to jump from a multi-storey carpark.

Ah, that adrenaline.

But fortunately (or rather unfortunately) the subject couldn't be found anywhere. After 30mins or so of searching and contacting the father, we received the order to return to base. Oh wells.

At 7am, stations around the country conduct drills and scenario exercises. But only unique for Tampines Station, on the saturday morning of every month, they conduct a fire fighting games competition. We're divided into 2 groups to compete against each other on the competency and dexterity of fire fighting and rescue. It was like a relay race, with different stages and stations. There were hydraulic spreader, hose handling, pitching up of ladder, climbing it to another floor, pulling up hoses via ropes, running down staircases with hoses, hose bowling, 20 CA suits pull ups in 2mins, and pin-point target life buoy rescue.

And throughout the race, I was laughing at their funny comments, cheers, jeers, poking fun and sarcasm, vocal mind games.. They're just too funny - but extremely proficient. And wooh my team won.

During the final baris at 8am, I was heavy hearted to leave Rota 1.
Shook hands, and said my final thank you's to them.

One of the enciks came to me and asked for my number.

"What for?"
"Soccer with us at SAFRA when you're free?"

Ah, it wasn't our last goodbye.
Too bad this HazMat station accepts only regular rc.

I'm genuinely thankful to be haaaaadddirr! at Station 23 Rota 1.

Now, 2 weeks of Final Ex. Just 2 weeks.

Just.. 2.. weeks..

Bed time

Beautiful sunsets.
They're in perfect view from my bunk bed, everyday.

Feels like a dream.

Speaking about that, I had a horrible dream last night.

But it ended abruptly with a girl appearing in front of me.

She offered help, but when I asked for her identity, I woke up.

It was.. an abstract feeling.

No, not lust, or even love, but I have a feeling it's admiration.

Hope there's someone out there who agrees that they're distinctively different.

Alright, goodnight.

I remember her necklace though.