Faustian

Sad

Thoughts, effort and will.

The night sky

An owl’s nest, if read properly, speaks to the health of a forest.

There are stars that lose their light after greeting death, permanently camouflaged in darkness as corpses made of colossal diamonds. What an ironic grandeur of insignificance (as consolation, astronomers nicknamed a space diamond Lucy after the song "Lucy in The Sky With Diamonds"). Maybe they are meant to remind us of insignificance or ignorance, or a combination of both. There are also heavy stars bagged with glorious struggle in their lives that burst into tiny miracles of apparent emptiness with nothing but faith in the Four Fundamental Forces for a new rebirth. Patience must be one of them. Then, there are also those that will just be a grand splendour of beautiful destruction and mystery.

Technically, if we point a blaming finger to an event or someone on Earth as we always do, we’ll be blaming the stars. We’ll be blaming the cosmic events spiralling to the point of our displeasure. Extend a finger and we’ll point to the Act of Creation – and that would be blaming God. Good heavens O celestial creations! Your astral garden marvels me. How can you embrace the flap of a cosmic butterfly and be patient in such deterministic chaos? Verily, you are in constant praise.

Scientifically and historically, we are made of stars, or at least we have the same elements as them. You can call someone a shining star. We do have our spiritual collapse against degeneracy pressure, our glorious outbursts and puzzling enigma – can’t see any difference there. All the same, except for the Divine injection of free will as our greatest blessing and test. Just like the stars, we are sensitive to pre-determined conditions too but with free will, we can choose to chew on what we create and what we destroy. Oh and I am choosing to clench my jaws right now. Because when it comes to choices, I’m being helplessly sundered to portion my trust generously in the heavens instead of mankind. Oddly enough, there is guilt in being a noble victim of the circumstance. Like false courage, the blessing of guilt takes a monstrous form in the dark. I trust my feelings. Thus before pride silences me, I declare that there is nothing noble in choosing to be weak when one is permitted to be strong. The world today fuels the unravelling secrets about dark matter. They deform our perception of cardiac constellations, making patience to believe what we see as more of an active choice. Gravitational lensing.

One thing I’ve grown to realise in better lenses is the shortness of time. Some things feel like eternity, but the untangling truth is, our lives are short. Credulous. Just a heedless judgement based on the complacency of our past. Perhaps it’s not about the struggle to find time. Perhaps it’s about internalising the things that matter about living and dying so that we will never be a stranger in the hands of time. Time finds you. There are meaningful ways to live life rightfully while still being wise and enjoying the beauty presented to us, especially the hidden ones. Similarly, like living and dying, time is painfully beautiful because it can delude us while still painting the truth.

Time deceives what the eyes perceive. Billions of people don’t know that we’re gazing back billions of years into the past up above. It’s beautiful isn’t it, I mean, the night sky. It is like a fabric woven together to coolly untie naive deceptions of what we ought to receive. The further you are from the stars, the further you’ll be dragged into the past. This delay in delivering what’s hidden has been promised. Thus purify the dark within us. The heavens receive what the heart conceives.

It is equally interesting to note the evident relationship of a star’s mass and its struggle – that too has been promised. I believe all tests are internal. A black hole’s involution is an albatross of its own being, collapsing into a personal gravity capable of pulling everything apart within its reach, including light. Interesting isn’t it. This immense greed for light becomes a pandemonium of emptiness to an outsider. Just a perpetual enigma of darkness, a cosmic trap of innocence and evil. Interesting, interesting, interesting! It is a lighthouse to those observing (one of the strongest signals in the universe) with an internal secrecy labelled as the greatest mystery of the universe. What gets expelled through the two polar jets? What deserves to be shown? What should be silenced? What ought to be removed completely? But the past, it will still be there, inscribed in the fabric of existence. Can it be compressed into singularity before disappearing completely, at least in our time? What gets transported away to another time and space?

Yeah, impractical pondering. Let’s hasten into the future. What about our future? Thinking about what’s ahead of us, and sometimes behind us, bring forth insecurity and restlessness. Fear. Or is it just me? I’m afraid of the future. But I do appreciate the nature of a story that can be written and read at the same time. I don’t know what the future and the past hold for me but the future in the past was different from what I experienced, just like how one gets involved in seeing beyond the centre of singularity. The future and the past are equally unpredictable in how they’ll hold on to you. Time is unique for each soul. I have to understand that. As I grow, I began to appreciate the future as much as I hold on to my past. But perhaps not at the moment. There are many things which I have to let go to ease myself into the future. It’s not easy having heavy sentiments weighing us down in the mind, heart and soul, time after time. Sometimes I get a random surge of energy while staring at something. I’ll get visions of myself shooting through space so fast that I feel practically still while having stars streaking past me. I shall learn to be still without imprisoning myself within my own visions and memories.

"There are worse prisons than words."

I feel like diving into a black hole. Yes. I want to avenge my lack of wisdom and patience to understand the truth about living, and dying, in the best humanly, virtuous way possible, and that is by plunging myself head first, with hands on my belly, or slightly above it, like how I choose to dream and escape. No not parallel to the direction I’m travelling, but with a tilt of 15 degrees, so that I don’t have to strain my neck while looking at where I’m going. And I’ll gather all my courage that have ever manifested since my existence to utter the sacred word “PATIENCE” in a composed, mellowed voice (with suppressed boiling hatred and anger).

Like the tormenting pull past the event horizon, a point of no escape, like fate itself, my distrust for anything unknown to me have been growing exponentially. I’ll crumble and get spewed out into the pain and insecurities of unsuspecting time and undetected spaces. Nevertheless, in the end, I have faith that these sentiments will lose their vigour and disappear from our mortal senses but not from our sanctuary of wisdom. I believe I am brave enough to come face to face with my own gravity. I’m going to hold my body with all my remaining soul and if all matters are ripped apart – even my own trust – I’ll face it like the weak man I am. I’ll battle in the reality that I wish to bend in my own world. And by God’s Grace and Mercy, and only if He permits me to, I will win.

I'm lost in patience. I hope the broken elements scattered across this void will become something.

Trust patience.

Queen

I'm a little speechless and confused right now. Surreal nostalgia.

We have a lift off

So today while walking to the office building, the Interstellar track S.T.A.Y. was playing in my ears. I disconnected my earphones, entered the building, tapped my card and went into the lift. I zoned out in the lift and thought I heard the song playing in my head.

Hey the track is still playing on my mind, feels real, cool.

Went out of the lift. I can still hear the track playing in my head. It got a little weird. Checked my phone. Ah yes, must've pressed play accidentally after unplugging.

There were people in the lift. I know you are all aiming for the stars. I want to be an astronaut too. Ey, don't mention it. You're welcome for the lift music. Motivational Monday. (edit: Ayesha rightfully pointed out to me that today's Tuesday. Nice Azmi nice.)

Go forth

I love my intern job. I really love it. I must be grateful and wise to gain as much as I can. And in order to do that, I must be wise to give as much as I can.

I'm on an adventure.

"It feels like evening all the time"

When I left my house and walked through the corridor, I felt that I was transported back 15 years ago. Something about the setting sun. Something about the warm tones enveloping my peripherals while looking at the concrete floor. Something about familiarity. A familiar adventure.

"I feel like I have a lot of problems, but today I decided that I have none".
And Quinn the punster was again quick to point out that Damien was indeed having naan.

I've been a regular customer of this place for ages. And I'm quite familiar with the hindustan songs being played on TV and their stereos. To my pleasant surprise, Hotel California was played when we're preparing to leave - never had that.

Desert rose. Desert plateaus and empty road.

I see today as a beautiful reward. For many things.

Words can never capture an experience.

I am my present self

My soul is tired. My spring is empty. I am broken.

Weak.

De Rigueur

Memory

Touch me!
Its so easy to leave me
All alone with my memory
Of my days in the sun

If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
Look a new day
Has begun

A guardian

I have been forced to spend my day reading this blog.

And I'll continue staying here —

This is my sanctuary.

Let me show you, O' forgetful soul;

This is our home.

Influence of the internal and external

I feel like a hypocrite who's putting up a good front by sharing these Du'as.

I shall still do it.

- - -

فَاطِرَ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ أَنْتَ وَلِيِّي فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالْآخِرَةِ ۖ تَوَفَّنِي مُسْلِمًا وَأَلْحِقْنِي بِالصَّالِحِينَ

"Creator of the heavens and earth, You are my protector in this world and in the Hereafter. Cause me to die a Muslim and join me with the righteous." [Surah Yusuf - 12:101]

اللَّهُمَّ إنِّي أعُوذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْهَمِّ وَ الْحَزَنِ  وَ الْعَجْزِ وَ الْكَسَلِ  وَ الْبُخْلِ وَ الْجُبْنِ  وَ ضَلَعِ الدِّيْنِ وَ غَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ

"O Allah! I seek refuge in You from grief and sadness, from weakness and from laziness, from miserliness and from cowardice, from being overcome by debt and from being overpowered by men (other people)." (Sahih al-Bukhari 7:158)

ربَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا ذُنُوبَنَا وَإِسْرَافَنَا فِي أَمْرِنَا وَثَبِّتْ أَقْدَامَنَا وانصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَِ

"Our Lord! Forgive us our sins and anything we may have done that transgressed our duty: Establish our feet firmly, and help us against those that resist Faith." [Surah Al-Imran - 3:147]

Grow up

I am uncertain if anyone finds worth in my words, because I came to realize that I don't. This feeble heart has forgotten its own weight and has been distracted with the hope of external replenishment. The love and self-respect I used to have for myself have been tainted by the very same person who believes in the value of sincerity to oneself. This unsettled longing for support, for empathy, for respect, for genuine admiration, for understanding, is it a sign of weakness? The beacon of contentment crumbles in the hands of others. We can depend on others but we must be brave to take responsibility for our own soul. We must have the courage to look within and have maturity in dealing with our hidden world. This corrupt heart yearns to be better but it elevates itself emptily under an apparent veil, instead of lowering its roots into a foundation. How noble. How misguided.

They say it is a blessing, and a curse to be a sensitive being. Little things, they are big to a dwarfed soul which has grown to appreciate the minute grandeur of a mindful heart. Being moulded to live in the realm of subtlety, silent sacrifice and hidden sincerity is not easy. It used to be better when the occupant acted upon his values, regardless of the pain, humiliation and extrinsic influence. Yes, the strength of silence and patience leaves in the inner presence of ignorant comfort, pride and unmindfulness. I believe these traits come into existence within us at the instant when a positive quality gets instilled as they are a pair, and we ought to take effort in realizing the things we subconsciously feed. I feel like some of us are losing sight of not only our destination, but our paths. Everything seems unfair to us yet we still take things for granted. How genuine. How deluded.

"One day when you're older, people will do it to you".

My mother used to say it when she gets hurt by me many years ago. It seems like a mother's prayer for her child often gets answered. And an accepted prayer will always bring benefit. InsyaaAllah. Be mature and have contentment.

(:

(smiley face here cause I just finished staring at my kinda new whatsapp wallpaper)

Kenapa tak amek mee goreng?

Kuliah Subuh by Ustaz Zainal Arifin (Former Principal of Madrasah Aljunied)

(Right click + save link as...) ^

It may be nothing much to some of you (haha talking as though got a lot of people read my blog), and it's not particularly filled with details of practical knowledge, but please have a listen if you have the time.

Part of today's sermon

Blessed Friday Jemaah,

Let us fill our hearts with taqwa to Allah s.w.t. with the highest level of taqwa. Hold true to the rope of Allah s.w.t. and love one another. May we be placed among the believers and those who have hikmah (wisdom).

When we open the Quran, we will find one word that is often mentioned by Allah, The Most Wise. This word appears almost 20 times in the Quran. Sometimes it is paired with the word alkitab, and at times it is on its own. The word that I am referring to is al-Hikmah. Allah s.w.t says: 

“Invite to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good instruction, and argue with them in a way that is best. Indeed, your Lord is most knowing of who has strayed from His way, and He is most knowing of who is [rightly] guided.” [Surah alNahl, verse125]

The verse that was recited earlier is a divine reminder for our beloved Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. as well as for his ummah to be conscious of two important matters when spreading the message of Islam. Firstly, the objective that we want to achieve. The verse firmly states that our objective should be for Allah, and we do good deeds to please Him and to gain His mercy. Hence, the intention and aim of a true believer (mukmin) when spreading dakwah is to lead and guide a person to God. Not for other purposes such as leading the person to other paths or specific agendas.

The second matter that a mukmin should bear in mind when making dakwah and calling others to Islam is to do it with wisdom and contemplating on the most effective approach. However, when is one considered successful in ensuring that one’s speech and actions are full of wisdom (hikmah)? According to scholars, one is successful in achieving hikmah when one is able to place something in its place accordingly. Thus, it is clear that a person who is wise in his conduct when interacting with others will never be at a loss. A mukmin will always ensure he is wise in his interactions, and will strive to ensure that what he does or says is easily understood and accepted by others. Let us study how Allah s.w.t. emphasised that His words can be easily understood and grasped by the human mind. Allah says (يعقلون لقوم (and (يتفكرون لقوم :(meaning: “For a rational person” and “for the people that can think.” Hence, let us study and apply the approach of the Quran in our actions, interactions and speech accordingly. Often we deliver or say something to others because we feel it is a pertinent
matter and that we are obligated to do so. However sometimes in doing so, we may forget to think of the long-term consequences, the feelings of others and their perspectives.

For example, imagine when you are praying and the jemaah praying beside you has forgotten to switch off his phone, or at least switch it to silent mode, and his phone rings while praying in congregation. How would you react towards him? Would you scold him immediately after solat? Or would you just keep quiet?

Let us reflect upon the wise approach of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w., when a companion, Mu’awiyah ibn al-Hakam al-Sulami r.a., recited a supplication for a man who sneezed, while Mu’awiyah was standing in prayer by saying: “Yarhamukallah”. Pay attention to the manners of Rasulullah s.a.w. in reprimanding Mua’wiyah after praying. Mua’wiyah said: After Rasulullah s.a.w. completed his prayers, I have never seen a better teacher or better teachings before or since; he did not rebuke me, hit me or revile me – he said: “This prayer is not the right place for any of the people’s speech, rather it is tasbeeh, takbeer and recitation of Qur’aan.” (Hadith reported by Muslim) According to Imam Nawawi rahimahullah, this hadith shows that the approach taken by Rasulullah s.a.w. in educating a person who is not aware is not by scolding or criticising the person.

Instead, one should use a gentle approach that is full of wisdom.

Realise that those who commit mistakes because of ignorance do not fall within the same category as those who commit a mistake when they already know that it is wrong. Sometimes the situation calls for a person to be firm, and at times, a gentle approach is more effective. At times, keeping quiet is better especially if by voicing our opinion or by trying to guide someone, it can lead to a bigger problem when compared to the benefit that we hope to achieve. A Muslim must be smart in choosing the right approach in guiding others to God. Hence, efforts to guide a person to Allah must be done appropriately, taking into consideration the situation, the level of the person’s understanding, and how he would accept the advice, and also his level of obedience towards Allah.

Another aspect that a person who incorporates wisdom in interacting and mixing with others is when he debates and discusses with others. In this matter, he will ensure that he chooses the most appropriate approach possible. Especially when dealing with someone of a different perspective and orientation. If he feels there is a need to discuss and debate certain matters, then Islam allows for this but there are conditions to be observed. One must choose his words wisely, be conscious of his actions, body language, and managing his emotions when presenting his arguments and evidences. 

The final objective is not to determine the winner and loser. The objective that we are all striving for is to find the truth and to guide others to the path of God. This is the pinnacle of adab practised by the scholars when they faced issues of ikhtilaf. Imam Al-Syafie reported: “I have never debated intellectually with someone, except that I have the least concern of whether I win the the debate or otherwise”. MashaAllah. This is an approach full of wisdom that we seek to aspire. It is a far cry from the situation we are witnessing today. Sometimes people end up fighting, insulting, and belittling others on social media, just to defend an invalid point. Nauzubillah min zalik. InsyaAllah, our following khutbahs will address other aspects of wisdom.

Tell me, human, what do you see?

Amy does this all the time. He doesn't really come to me when I'm doing other things in my room. I've tried being all sneaky and quiet while laying down the prayer mat, etc, but somehow he still knows. Apart from his fur dirtying the mat, and his infrequent nonsense of pulling and biting my hair while I'm in sujud (which I kind of like, at times, and I've actually stayed a little longer in sujud because I was hoping for him to bite my hair. Astaghfirullah.), he's quite a gem. Honestly.

I used to be annoyed by this and I would chase him out and close the door before doing the necessary. A couple of days back in the morning, my mom saw him bending his head down and silently pushing his nose into the gap beneath my room door. Well, it just melts my heart to see his persistence. Maybe he knows some special things that I don't.

I shall learn to be more grateful.

I shall keep my door ajar.

~

And remind, for indeed, the reminder benefits the believers

Today, while cleaning the house with my mom I talked to her as though I was talking to my close friends. Not in a manner which disrespected her, but one which elevated my trust and yearning for her wisdom. As we continued talking about significant matters, she gave me some advice that had me, blinking. It's the same set of familiar advice I've been earnestly drilling into my head, and heart - but now it's from my mom. It's different, and more effective.

There needs to be sincerity in giving and receiving reminders.

At-Taghabun (Verse 13 – 16)

اللَّهُ لَا إِلَٰهَ إِلَّا هُوَ ۚ وَعَلَى اللَّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ

God, there is no deity but He: so in God let the believers put their trust.

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِنَّ مِنْ أَزْوَاجِكُمْ وَأَوْلَادِكُمْ عَدُوًّا لَّكُمْ فَاحْذَرُوهُمْ ۚ وَإِن تَعْفُوا وَتَصْفَحُوا وَتَغْفِرُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ

O who you believe! Among your spouses and children there may be enemies for you, so beware of them. Yet, if you pardon, forbear, and forgive (their faults towards you and in worldly matters), then (know that) God is All-Forgiving, All-Compassionate¹

إِنَّمَا أَمْوَالُكُمْ وَأَوْلَادُكُمْ فِتْنَةٌ ۚ وَاللَّهُ عِندَهُ أَجْرٌ عَظِيمٌ

Your worldly possessions and your children are but a source of temptation and trial (for you); and God is He with Whom is a tremendous reward.

فَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ مَا اسْتَطَعْتُمْ وَاسْمَعُوا وَأَطِيعُوا وَأَنفِقُوا خَيْرًا لِّأَنفُسِكُمْ ۗ وَمَن يُوقَ شُحَّ نَفْسِهِ فَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُونَ

Keep, then, from disobedience to God in reverence for Him and piety as far as you can,² and listen attentively and submit (to His commands), and obey Him, and spend (in His cause and for the needy) as it is to the betterment of your souls. Whoever is guarded against the avarice of his soul, those are they who are truly prosperous.³


1 - Spouses are dutiful towards each other, and parents have intrinsic love for and duties towards their children. However, the love of spouses for each other and the love of parents for their children should be regulated according to the commandments of the Religion. Love of family may sometimes bar a person from his or her religious duties or cause him or her to indulge the family excessively or to work for their children and their future without considering the children’s duties towards God and their afterlife, whereas true love necessitates that parents should first consider the afterlife and the religious duties of their children. They should consider their worldly welfare within the framework of the Religion.

Unfortunately, many spouses and parents neglect this cardinal principle and they misuse their love and compassion for each other and for their children. In addition to this, some spouses and children may put pressure upon each other and their parents to act without considering the religious commandments and cause each other or themselves to lose in the Hereafter. This is, in fact, enmity. So the Quran draws the attention of spouses to this fact and warns them.

However, despite such enmity, parents should be careful, patient, and tolerant in their mutual relations and in their approach to the conduct of their children. They can be forbearing and pardon their mutual faults towards each other and the faults of their children towards themselves. (This is what is expected from parents, but children must be extremely careful about observing the rights of their parents.) They should also overlook any faults concerning worldly matters and be able to act as educators concerning religious matters. They should always give precedence to religious matters over worldly ones.

The next verse concisely expresses this truth.

2 – This statement is not contradictory with Keep from disobedience to God in reverent piety with all the reverence that is due to Him (Surah 3:102), nor does the former abrogate the latter. God should be revered and obeyed as He should because His position as God requires this. In fact, every position requires respect and obedience to the extent of its greatness. However, each human being has a capacity for respect and obedience particular to him/herself; he/she cannot go beyond this but as we cannot know the limits of our own capacity, we must try to revere and obey God as His being God requires us to do to the utmost of our capacity.

3 – This verse explains how people can be saved from the enmity of their spouses or children and be successful in the trial of their worldly possessions and children.


Taken from the book: The Qur’an with Annotated Interpretation in Modern English by Ali Unal

I believe it wasn't a coincidence

Anakku Sazali dengarlah

Lagu yang ayahanda karangi

Sifatkan laguku hai anak

Sebagai sahabatmu nanti

Anakku Sazali juwita

Laguku jadikan pelita

Penyuluh di gelap gelita

Pemandu ke puncak bahagia

Dendang Perantau

Di tepian mandi
Danauku hijau yang damai selalu

The morning wind today was cooling. It was gentle - sufficiently gentle. Grey. Blue. Dull. Dim. I sat down on the kitchen floor, back against the cabinet. There is something special about being close to the ground.

It's the late afternoon now. I see two yellow mynas chasing each other. There's a butterfly with a pair of soft lime wings in front of my window. How lovely. The sun seems a little special today. But the leaves aren't moving. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

My heart is still today.

Ramadhan has been still thus far.

I hope to be understood.

I shall be grateful for these unique blessings.

Unconditional

Feast on the contentment found in the value of goodness.

The senses are not genuine seekers

وَلَا تَمُدَّنَّ عَيْنَيْكَ إِلَىٰ مَا مَتَّعْنَا بِهِ أَزْوَاجًا مِّنْهُمْ زَهْرَةَ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا لِنَفْتِنَهُمْ فِيهِ ۚ وَرِزْقُ رَبِّكَ خَيْرٌ وَأَبْقَىٰ

"And do not extend your eyes toward that by which We have given enjoyment to [some] categories of them, [its being but] the splendor of worldly life by which We test them. And the provision of your Lord is better and more enduring." [20:131]

Let it touch the ground

The trust in this heavy rain is beautiful.

I haven't been good to the people around me

Alhamdulillah.

This morning I gained a little something. It is a lesson about unconditional love. I realized a little something about parenthood. It gave me a slightly tighter grasp on what it means to have endless hope and pray for our loved ones in silence, even if they don't understand what we do, even if they slip and bruise us in their own respective ways. What makes us think they're not doing the same for us too in silence? I'm not too pleased with myself. As the only child I feel a heavy sense of responsibility to support my parents in all aspects, be mindful of their silent efforts, and repay them not just in words, but in the sincere will of being a good son. Never hurt them. We can do better, and we will fight to do better. InsyaaAllah.

But what if our parents are the ones who slip and bruise us? Then I shall firstly remind myself, before sharing, that evil exists in all of us. Nevertheless, we don't respond to what we perceive as evil, with our own perceived evil. Afterall, evil is not our teacher.

Ya Allah, I make this rare, open and written dua here on this blessed Friday morning, and ask for Your gentle guidance. Soften our hearts and remove our egos. Instill in us useful wisdom, kindness and patience. Let us be strong yet gentle muslims, and weak and humble slaves whom you'll be pleased with. May those who have brought us closer to You, directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally, be blessed with goodness in this life and the Hereafter. May this dua be granted by You, the Most Merciful, the Most Kind, for the people around me, for those living in this world, and for those who say Amin.

Amin.

I take my hat off to you, friend

Autumn

At times,

Muted by the winter's snow
Baked by the summer's spell
Choked by the colours of spring
The naive man screams -

Does the sun
Burn in distress
To provide warmth
For those embracing it!

We don't know!

Does the moon
Shiver in isolation
To provide faith
For the hopeful souls!

We don't know!

Does the wind
Blow in turbulence
To provide purpose
For the drifting sails!

We don't know!

Not the answers!
The questions!

Not the autumn!
The fall!

Time

Kindly bear with me.

Today, I got to experience my favourite phenomenon. It's ephemeral. It is. It's rare. Goosebumps. I first noticed it at an extremely young age and I've been passively seeking for it ever since. When I do see it, I just feel engulfed. With wonder. With mystery. With strange hues. With nostalgia. With understanding. With patience. Everything turns brownish pink. Everything. It gives me hope. Endless hope. It's there! See it. I believe in endless hope. I want the world to believe in endless hope.

Why is it so difficult to explain!

I meant what I said. I just want people to know and understand.

Kindly bear with me.

These are unedited.

Remember

I'm not this weak.

"Never grow up, always down."

Yes, again.

I've given some thought before saying this - My mind feels distant and offbeat as I grow older. Slower. Cloudier. Duller. I can feel it. I don't think it's about it being heavy and stocked with more things (hopefully beneficial). It feels like it's anchored to my own judgement about myself. It's chained by the delusion of phantom expectations, the worry of silent disappointments, and the fear of meeting my potential, face to face.

The air used to be lighter.

Where are the old colours I used to see?

Nobody

I had a meaningful childhood. I respect and admire the kid 'me'. Here's why.

My first gaming platform was the SEGA console. Super Mario Bros 3. Contra. Rockman. I mastered an important life skill - blowing into cartridges. These 3 games were superb.

My second was the PlayStation. Had it as a post-sunat gift when I was 4 - 5 years old. I remember coming home after sunat in my kain to see the console already running with my first ever PS1 game called 'Klonoa'. It is a wonder how my mom found her way through the Japanese game menu to enter the first stage. I had (have) a million games. Some of the games are extremely special and meaningful to me.

Reel fishing. Tomba 2. Puzzle Bubble. Bomberman. Gran Turismo. Tarzan. Dragonball Z. Monster Rancher. Toys Story 2. Digimon World.

I had (have) a million games. Yes, I keep them. Most of the games are still playable. Yes, my PS1 still works.

My third gaming platform was the GameBoy Colour. I had the original gameboy with black and white screen, but it wasn't mine, so it wasn't of meaning to me. GBC had its own.. colour in my life. Pokemon Blue. Pokemon Crystal.

My fourth was the PlayStation 2. Spiderman 2 was my first game. I remember the first night with the game. Actually, I remember how these special games made me feel. I treasure these meaningful sentiments. Kingdom Hearts 2. Harvest Moon: A wonderful life. The list goes on.

My gaming life continued on PC but something got left behind. Something stopped. It was never quite the same. I grew up? I don't believe in that conventionalized claim. I read about it recently. Growing up feels like it's about shaking things off. Growing up feels like a process of finding out who and what we're meant to be in the first place.

Wonder. Curiosity. Humility. Instinct. Trust. Passion. Constant. Renewal. Fears. Confidence. Intuition. Confusion. Uniqueness. Meaning. Independence. Purity.

I feel like sharing.

I think I'm tired.

I feel special.

I think I shall stop sharing.

Hujan yang turun bagaikan samurai smell

Questions. Ask her questions. Learn about her. Learn from her. Be curious about her. Be interested with her past. Only child. Only one.

Just got to know my mom's favourite song from Arwah Sudirman. I was pleasantly surprised. It's my favourite from him too.

Hujan yang turun bagaikan mutiara

Berkilau bersinar berkerdipan

Subur menghijau bumi terbentang

Dan bayu berpuput lembut

It has been a while

The smell of patience. Come forth, Mistimanchachi.

All, in relation to nothing

"Sometimes we forget what we believed in, and other times, we forget what we believe in."

"Know our bearings when we stand, as courage comes to those standing for truth in the right direction. And if you are to see your feet in the clear waters, have patience. The sand takes time to settle."

"The archetypal 'X' on our treasure map is the point where we stop questioning everyone and everything else. It lies within. Things get progressively unclear when we have layered decorations for what we want to feel, achieve and receive. It creates a gap between one's real and declared aims, turning it into a breeding ground for shrouded insincerity. And when visitors come knocking on our sanctuary, it's all swept under the rug. At times, reasons which seem justifiable with a fingersnap cause us to cringe when we recall about it. But slowly, we naturally grow to be better at things. Call it maturity. Yes. But essentially, isn't it the achievement of lucidity? It gets clearer when our lenses are clean. It doesn't make sense to walk away from our inner selves or distract our eyes with what we fabricate to see. Observe the veiled battle between the conscious and the subconscious, and pick both sides."

"It's amazing how complexity pays attention to itself and silently jades into simplicity. So dream, and trace the roots. Have the dignity of a fallen leaf when autumn's due. Come back, and crawl through the gates again. Progress, not perfection."

"Behold the belittled lily, purple heather and burgundy rose, for they give us hope to find contentment in our own novelty."

"Fly, little wing
Ride the waves of abiding faith
Across the old slumbering shore
With voiceless emotions of the setting sun
Till the heart finds a familiar cure"

"Our heart is filled with beautiful abstractness that we should learn to understand its rightful design before anything else. It isn't our duty to question other people's sincerity. And if it's ours that is doubted, take it as internal guidance. Nobody's perfect - A beautiful phrase of tremendous honesty, yet we can't accept it when others present it to us. Rather than questioning their rights, give honest thanks to them. They don't control what we lose, neither do we control what they lose. Keep a polite distance if you wish and let the light of your heart shine truth in what they're permitted to see."

"Moonlight: Oh sweet-toothed society. Don't let the ants crawl onto our black stones."

"Pride blinds the ability to see the truth in us. This realization and admittance can never be forced; only independence grants us freedom to our true needs."

"It is the nature of man to appreciate this beauty of inner perfection. He'll dedicate a personal trust in his judgement on what he sees, but what if he discovers a flaw in it? The way he responds, tilts on the equilibrium of his emotions. If he feels that his trust was betrayed, he'll question his judgement and becomes blind to everything else. While if he chooses to only be disappointed on the illusory perfection, he'll see the major goodness which still remains. If permitted to, I'll choose the latter."

"I've flipped my canvas into an empty page. Last year, I learnt that perfection can never be shown, only discovered. And only discovery itself, defines perfection in this world."

"Perfection in a team can never exist. As long as we physically share a different set of heart, body and brain, perfection itself becomes an ideal. To strive towards it as a team, a group, and even as a family - I learn that patience, wisdom, trust and commitment are truly needed. Leading is like giving a paper boat a push, with hope that it reaches a specific destination at the other side of the lake. The slightest bit of action defines the present, and it determines the future. O Almighty, I believe in Your Guidance."

"I don't think a leader would seek for sympathy. Instead he should search for himself in times of adversity. I'm lost. But I'm actually glad I feel like a wanderer at this present moment."

"There's something uniquely peaceful about this midnight rain. It makes us understand."

"Everyone's given a compass. Some may have lost it, but it's an excuse to lose ourselves in this one time journey. Anything can be a form of guidance when you walk with an open mind. A fallen twig's shadow can show you the way in the morning. Navigate after the Big Dipper or the Polaris at night and you'll do fine. Life's hidden beauty is unlocked by a humble heart, a pristine will and nothing else. Some seek for gold treasures at a far away island, while all the treasures that they need are sitting at their own backyard. Some see it, others don't. It's a unique set of treasure that can never be shared but can only be tasted alone. A treasure that can't be measured by weight or gold - words don't describe it, only experiences do."

"O night, bring to the earth the quiet charm of your mystery."

"At the end of the day, it's simply being who I am at the moment."

Peace

Less is more.

Reverie

Even in Kyoto
when I hear the cuckoo
I long for Kyoto

This is my favourite from Matsuo Basho.

What do we know about guidance and being guided

This morning, I gathered courage to queue for the teh o and kuih. I also played catching with Samurai. I hope for the same pleasant and meaningful morning for everyone.

The most potentially dangerous form of arrogance, is within humility itself.

I am in good company

The wind greets with a smile.
The wind speaks in poems.
The wind makes us feel like we're time travellers.

Please feel the wind, friends!

It is a blessing.

My life was spent staring at the night waves
Clasping the soul of the shifting sands
With an enduring tide that proudly raves
Of a lunar grip and its unseen hands

My life was spent studying a vermilion star
Slowly setting on the bare horizon
Like an abiding, gentle kiss from afar;
The humble scent of a noble mission!

My life was spent trusting the voiceless tears
Of weighted clouds, embracing the swaying greens
As they reach for the roots and buried fears
With ethereal allusions of what sincerity means

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Remember

It's raining. I recognize this rain. I like this rain.

The little that I am

Brown. Green. Pink. Blue.

and White.

It's so loud and silent at the same time.

Have a listen.

Sincerity

The moon's humility has left me speechless yet again at this hour.

I shall go to sleep.

And let my soul relearn what it truly means to be horizontal.

Everybody's walkin' like the new kid in town

For strength, we seek for our weaknesses.
In strength, we see our weaknesses.
With strength, we understand our weaknesses.

- - - 

There's talk on the street; it sounds so familiar
Great expectations, everybody's watching you
People you meet, they all seem to know you
Even your old friends treat you like you're something new

Johnny come lately, the new kid in town
Everybody loves you, so don't let them down

There's talk on the street, it's there to
Remind you, that it doesn't really matter which side you're on.
You're walking away and they're talking behind you
They will never forget you 'til somebody new comes along

Oh, my, my
There's a new kid in town
Just another new kid in town

I tried. I shall do better.

Yesterday was a tiring day for me. I think, and I hope, I was sincere. Perhaps I just didn't know how to remind them of the reason why I volunteered to open up my place. I didn't know how to explain the things they should or shouldn't do. My patience was being tested. I got offended multiple times. Please be kind and mindful. You don't know what's going on. It was draining.

My apologies, friends.

But thank you (:

I feel

I feel young, and I feel old.
I feel like a stranger, and a familiar soul!

What a blessing.

Speaking of blessings, the semester's starting. It's time to hit the road. I'll use my feet this time. I wonder what it feels like being barefooted again.

Today, I turned back time with the sound of music.

The hills are alive with the sound of music
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing every song it hears

My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds
That rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies
From a church on a breeze

To laugh like a brook when it trips
and falls over stones on its way
To sing through the night like a lark
who is learning to pray

I go to the hills when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear what I've heard before
My heart will be blessed with the sound of music
And I'll sing once more

- - -

I remember now, the hills are alive! Very much alive!

2015 - Alive, with the one who lives

I learned a little something last year. I truly learned a little something. I learned that there are lots to be learned, about living, and dying. I also learned that 2015 is the most significant year in my life thus far.

It is. It really is.

My apologies, words are failing me. If you truly want to understand, here:

 

Hope it helps.